A guy wrote back and forth with me basically saying that he really wants to change - yet every suggestion that the program has made for him to actually do, he has refused. All he wants is to recover secretly, on his own. He is sure that unlike everybody else, if HE goes to meetings, he will lose everything....but his acting out (which is pretty bad for a gavrah rabbah like him) is apparently safe for him to continue...
In my last message to him I told him that he simply needs to suffer more. There are no consequences for his acting out and he is acting like the king baby on the throne - he gets whatever he wants: respect in the community for being a big talmid chochom, respect from his wife and children, sex when he wants it from his loving and unsuspecting wife - and now he wants to have recovery - his way - too!
Sorry, but it is not free.
Then he said that I didn't answer his question about whether he could recover on his own, or not, if he really trusted in Hashem.
Of course anything is possible - but at that point, I had to write the following (not for the faint of heart!):
Yes, of course it might work. Why do you ask me? I am not a novi. Hashem can, of course, do anything. But... I will not be a novi SHEKKER for you. So...
My experience was, and still is, that WANTING that Hashem will help me does not mean that I will succeed. It really is not up to Him - ein hadovor tolui ella bee (to quote R' Elozor ben Durdaya). There is one thing that I must do, or else He and me will not succeed:
Get - and stay - OUT of His way. Honestly, and one day at a time.
But you have been in His way all along, and that is the only reason you have not been able to stay clean even when you felt sure that you wanted to stay clean. It seems that He cannot - or does not - help a person who is in His way. It is similar - but not the same as - ba'al gayvoh docheik raglei haShechinah. Obviously a man has no power to push Hashem away! But it means that Hashem does not go where the person holds on to being in charge himself. His behavior proves that he does not want Hashem there - but only himself to be in charge. It is the same as the toveil v'sheretz b'yado. Everybody understands this (besides you, apparently).
And you prove that YOU are running the show - managing your life and your recovery - all by yourself every time you insist your mishega'as that "yes, yes, but THIS I can't do!" Then you wonder why it is not working. If you are so good at knowing what you can and can't do, then you ARE still running the show, not G-d. You are sitting in G-d's chair. He gets up and leaves then, no matter how much you pray and cry to Him - your actions are the ikkar 'prayer'. And they are saying to Him: "Get the hell out of my way, I know what's best."
If He was extra nice and 'loving' to you and let you be in charge while He does you the favor you ask, then you would get much, much sicker, my friend. It would mean that He gives you the keys to the car - lets YOU pretend you are in charge and can manage...while you are such a bad driver that it is laughable.
רַק אֶתְכֶם יָדַעְתִּי, מִכֹּל מִשְׁפְּחוֹת הָאֲדָמָה; עַל-כֵּן אֶפְקֹד עֲלֵיכֶם, אֵת כָּל-עֲוֹנֹתֵיכֶם
He will not let you get away with pretending to be fixed - if you are really just playing G-d.
So, no. I am not a navi. But I will surely not allow you to make me your novi shekker and tell you that your way is fine.
If you really trust Hashem to fix you - AND get out of His way and LET Him run your life even just a little - then it will work. And anyone can do it. Anyone can open that door - the key is willingness. But willingness means nothing without ACTION. Goyim who are addicts do it every day, Jewish addicts who are amaratzim do it every day. They get sober and recover one day at a time. So can you!!
You do not need to be a tzaddik:
v'haboteyach baShem, chessed y'sov'venhu – do Chaza"l not say, l"afilu rosho - uboteyach baShem, chessed y'sovevenhu"? Who ELSE does this apply to, if not to addicts in recovery?!
Don't just WANT what you must do. DO what you must do. DO it.