Hi everyone,
This is my introductory post to the forum and beginning of my 90 day journey to sobriety and freedom from this terrible aveirah which has controlled me for far too long.
I first stumbled upon this site just two days ago. I was reading this article on vosizneias.com about how a husband's porn addiction was tormenting his wife, and I happened to notice that someone mentioned this website in one of the comments at the bottom of the story. I Googled it and have to say that I was amazed by the amount of content and tools available. I was further amazed by this fabulous community, which is full of caring ovdei Hashem who support one another and are committed to overcoming their y"h and becoming better people and Jews. It really is an inspiration.
I have downloaded both of the handbooks and have already almost completed my first reading of the handbook. I have also signed up for the daily chizuk emails and just requested a license for the filter from the filter gabbai.
I feel that some of the handbook is probably not for me because I'm not a real "lust addict", am I?
Thank you all for reading this post and G-d bless. May we all benefit to succeed in our endeavors.
Yours,
Gabe.
Hi Gabe,
I'm gonna start out with the strong stuff, my friend, cuz you just gotta understand this yesod:
How do we define an addiction? An addiction is when you KNOW it's the wrong behavior; you see clearly how it's hurting you, and how it is - or will - ruin your life, but regardless, YOU STILL CAN'T STOP. Look at your words above. They remind me of the smoker who says, "I can quit smoking anytime I want - I've quit 5 times already...!"
You must understand that you ARE an addict; a LUST addict.
And we can not truly "control" this addiction. That's the definition of an addiction - it's out of our control. Once we start an act on lust, once we give in once, we can not pull out until we fall steeply. Do you not agree? Think of the addiction as an allergy. You have developed a sensitivity that is beyond your control. Like someone who is allergic to peanut butter, if you take that one small drop of peanut butter on your tongue, your throat will close up and you'll stop breathing. It doesn't matter how many years you've waited in-between exposures. One small taste and you're in mortal peril. What we are allergic to is poison for us, and like a heroin addiction, we crave it even though we know it's gonna kill us, cuz we think we can can control it and stop 'one day'.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THERE IS NO HOPE! We are not doomed. WE CAN BECOME FREE FROM THE DESIRE TO LUST. That's right. You can get to a place where you will no longer have the desire to lust ever again. Like the Yetzer Hara to eat a trief steak, which you do not have because it is below your "bechira point" in life, you can do the same for your Yetzer Hara for Lust. You can move on from it.
On this site you will find more than just chizuk to stay clean, my friend. You will find the challenge to explore WHY you got this way, why we all get this way, what our real driving motivations and fears are that lead us to WANT to LUST.
Feel inside yourself. Do you have a craving, a deep desire to lust, and to be lusted after? Did we not watch the P**n clips because we were projecting ourselves into the movie? Why? Be honest. Were we not seeking some sense of power or control? Or were we looking to numb ourselves from facing some uncomfortable realities in our lives? And even if you'll say you do it out of boredom, isolation or curiosity, I ask you to look inside yourself. Why are you "bored?" What's missing? Why are you in "isolation?" Who's missing? What are you "curious" about? Is not SOMETHING else in life more intriguing?
When you can answer those questions HONESTLY, then and only then can you get at the root of the reason for WHY you lust. Only then can you make positive steps to MOVE FORWARD toward getting those things that you are missing in a MEANINGFUL AND SPIRITUAL WAY. And when you are on THAT road, my dear friend, you'll never have to fear your peanut butter again, because you will be living a life of such profound meaning, one in which you will find all the excitement, adventure, and fulfillment you could have ever wanted.
All the excuses, the thinking, "OK, IT'S JUST A BATHING SUIT PICTURE, IT'S SAFER." which ends up dragging us further down into worse images, etc. And even without the internet, the provocatively dressed women you just pass on the street are potential triggers as well. You can - and should - do all you can to avoid triggers.But that is not the final ticket to freedom from lust. We need a system to avoid what the triggers do to us.
And the secret to THAT, my friend, can be found in an anonymous 12-Step Program,several of which you can find through this site. I'm sure they are all excellent, but I have just finished one with Duvid Chaim, and I can recommend him very highly. He is amazing, and SO good at what he does. He's starting another one in February, so look into them and see if you can join. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.
Meanwhile, keep up the good work!! Daven for help, and call out here for chizuk any time.
Hatzlacha rabbah!!!
Steve.