"Is there hope for me?" you ask. "What if the vicious waves of tumah and ta’avah have washed over me again and again, sometimes accidentally yet sometimes less so? What if I myself ignited this firestorm? Oh, how I would love to cleanse myself from all this grime and crime! But gently, because I can’t face harsh measures such as pain or fasts."
We cannot let the yeitzer hora make us believe we have ruined ourselves beyond repair. Our inner self, our neshama, is a shining flame; it cannot ever be soiled in any way, נשמה שנתת בי טהורה היא - You have given me a pure neshama. Aveiros only surround it, like blackout curtains hung around a lamp, blocking out its light.
The gates of teshuva are always opened. Hashem anxiously anticipates bestowing unbelievable gifts to even the worst sinners. So why do we listen to this deceitful smooth-talker who tries to persuade us to stop in our tracks, even though success is within our reach?
"But can’t I change overnight?" you might ask. Well, although for some people immediate change is possible, for most of us it is not. We need to take smaller, possibly much smaller, steps towards our goal. Through a series of small changes, we slowly shake ourselves free from the chains of our past and heal the injuries.
Though we hope to improve ourselves forever, it’s more effective to set short-term goals. Start with taking on a commitment for a day or two. If no hitches appear on the horizon, perhaps increase the stretch to a week or two. Eventually, set month-long goals but probably not more than that. Start tasting victory, savour the sensation, and bon appétit!
These "little" victories are essential - especially in an area which can be addictive. Powerful desires are often hopelessly impervious to reason and common sense. But if we accustom ourselves to overcoming small temptations then, bit-by-bit, these little victories will lead to bigger ones. Habit, rather than logic, will carry the day.
Is the thing you are trying to run away from perhaps just a little too close to home? You might ask, "How can I unhook myself from something that’s long been a part of me?" Rabbeinu Yonah (Yesod HaTeshuva) suggests imagining yourself as newborn - with no credits and no debits. Picture a blank piece of crisp, clean paper, or a mystery gift waiting to be unwrapped, or a rose unfurling its velvety petals in the morning dew. You’re starting out today as a traveller on a brand new path - without any baggage.
The travel brochure for the destination called teshuva tells of how it’s a worthwhile trek. It might be a long and arduous journey, but it’s a well trodden path that leads us to clean and happy lives. It invites anyone to scrape away the rust of the past and discover anew our true selves.
What about those thoughts which relentlessly reverberate and replay in our minds? Do they indicate an unsuccessful teshuva? Definitely not! Such thoughts are the unfortunate after-effects. We are not held responsible for thoughts that flash into our minds; it’s when we let them linger that the Torah objects. Likewise, we are not accountable for things we happen to see, but rather for taking a second glance. Even if these thoughts persist, with time their strangling clutch will loosen. Furthermore, the more we purify our eyes, the easier it will become to purify our thoughts, and vice versa.
Every drop of shmiras einayim, then, is eye therapy - self administered, readily available, and wonderfully restorative. Every time we choose purity over impurity we are thereby rectifying our past.
Teshuva should cheer us up. It detaches us from the lethal downward pull of the Satan. The word teshuva, commonly translated as "repentance," actually means "return" - a return to being close to Hashem. It brings us closer to our Father in Heaven and consequently to happiness.