"I never understood why our Higher Power would restore us to sanity. Someone from SA told me it just works and never mind why."
"Wasn't your motive for desperately searching out and drinking in porn, fantasy and masturbation *always* in order to restore you to *sanity*?
Consider this, please:
*Sanity* here, does not mean that one is *objectively sane*, intelligent, healthy, or sound of mind - it means on a personal, innate, gut (real) level, that our feeling of living right now makes sense right now, feels 'right', and is really 'OK'. If our lives are a mess, then we must be sick in the head in some way - our decisions and reactions are clearly 'off'.
So...why do we addicts act out now, at all? Are we just resho'im? Ooh, that'd be soooo simple, wouldn't it?
No. We all know that we run after the sex goddess BECAUSE SHE HAS THE SCHOIRAH, don't we? What schoirah does she have? Her figure, smile, privates? No.
What we always so deeply crave from her is the 'OK-ness' that using her will give us inside. Relief. It's powerful. *Far* more powerful than shacharis is (usually). It is therefore a higher power that must be reckoned with.
The second step (accepting that a Higher Power can restore us to sanity) cannot be done until we first recognize that we have *already* been using a few false higher powers for years and years - though we did not understand *them* that well, either. Does the orgasm really fix anything? No. But I run after it like I'll die without it, anyway, in acting out. With true sacrifice sometimes (mesiras nefesh), too. Right?
Think it over.
- Dov