Perhaps the greatest of these misconceptions comes from the message that we must not trust ourselves. Though of course we must not needlessly expose ourselves to the sales pitch of desire or to objects that enable us to sin, that doesn’t mean we should believe we will fail when challenged. Rather, we must be determined to win any challenges we face and yet do our best to limit them.
If we are ever told that we are incapable of controlling ourselves, we must not listen. If people call us immoral people who cannot be trusted, we must stay away from them. This is not what our sages meant when they advised us not to trust ourselves.
Rather, “not trusting ourselves” means something entirely different. When desire activates, it changes the way we feel. What we want changes — we experience urges we never dreamed we would have. We can’t realize how we will feel when our passions activate and our perspective evaporates. Thus, we must be cautious not to spark our desires or to make it easy to succumb if our lusts come aflame.
We don’t want to ignite lustful urges and enter such a state even if we would be guaranteed to win. Surely, we don’t want to do so when we risk failure. We can’t guarantee we will succeed when everything changes. It’s just too dangerous.
“Not trusting ourselves” means being cautious because we know the way we feel can change. It does not mean having the destructive belief that we will lose when challenged. We do trust ourselves — without being complacent or irresponsible — to make mature decisions and fight strong in all challenges Hashem brings us, especially because He is helping us.
If we don’t trust our decision-making and our ability to cope with difficulty, we will be a mess. If we are convinced that we will fail, we will lose every battle. We must feel capable of winning and yet not take foolish chances that our desires will activate. Suggesting that all people can’t control themselves is untrue and damaging. We can control ourselves, and thus we must prepare and strengthen ourselves to win.
Emphasis on avoiding temptation can also cause the mistaken attitude that challenges are bad. The world’s focus is usually on how bad messing up is, rather than on our incredible opportunity. We forget that overcoming desire brings us to greatness, and we have no excitement to fight. Staying away is expressed as a basic obligation, while there is little mention of what we accomplish when we forgo benefits to avoid harmful exposure. Many people don’t even realize there is a reward for avoiding temptations — forget about comprehending that it is an elite achievement. And if they are challenged, they view it as an unfortunate situation rather than an opportunity.
How will we overcome our raging urges without excitement for something way better — our opportunity to accomplish unprecedented achievements? If we’re not thrilled about what we can become, how will we survive? Without enthusiasm, we are fighting a nuclear war with a pocketknife. Even worse, focusing on the damage if we lose but not on the gains of victory is depressing. It weakens us and destroys our quality of life.
We must learn to balance all of these concepts together. We must view challenges as opportunities to achieve greatness, rather than situations that cause us to mess up. Nevertheless, when we can limit or avoid an upcoming challenge, it is upon us not to take risks, even ones that seem small.
When we avoid a challenge, we don’t just prevent ourselves from falling. We don’t give up everything with no gain. Rather, we achieve one of the ultimate successes.
Staying away from desire is a lot harder than people make it out to be. At times it is mentioned nonchalantly, as if it takes no effort. But in reality, it takes such a fight to get rid of things that might awaken desire and to avoid places where we might be tempted. By nature, we don’t want to sacrifice benefits or entertainment just to be extra cautious. We also have difficulty accepting that our outlook and impulses will change when we are tempted. It takes great commitment to avoid challenges, and it is an incredible accomplishment.