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A Nice, Shiny Blue Tricycle
"MosheF" posted on the forum:
So I have a void, a spiritual void, now what? How am I going to fill it? Should I sit and learn all day, say tikunei zohar, work on my middos? It's not going to work. I know I should just learn to accept ordinary life the way life is, and live in the present moment, and not dream of being rich and famous, just living the present. Before I fell last time, I could have gone home and played with my kids but that wasn't good enough, I needed more. To prove my point, when I have a real exciting day and made a major sale or met with important people and felt important and good, lust usually stays away on those days because I'm feeling good about myself. But when life is ordinary, it's just not good enough for me and I need real stimulation.
Dov responds:
In my case too, my problem was clearly not the acting out. It was being sober! I couldn't tolerate it after a while because life was always either too boring or too complicated or both. Staying sober under all circumstances necessitated the 12 Steps. And of all things, it was the fourth step (especially my second round at it) that finally made living tolerable. Then sobriety started getting easier.
I learned the hard way, but Yshu'as hashem k'heref ayin! You may get a bit of something and then find you have grown more than you imagined was possible. It often happens this way for me. The condition seems to be, that I stay off the 18-wheeler and keep things simple. Especially when I feel like I've grown a great deal, I still picture myself as just beginning. A nice, shiny blue tricycle (with silver accents!) does me best...