We just need to get more well acquainted. But who knows each other better than the members of this forum, who share so much of themselves, their real selves, and go through the same struggles.
I’m just like you. okay, maybe not exactly like you, but obviously, from the fact that I’m here, means I’ve struggled with sexual temptation and levels of addiction in the past. And who doesn’t. True, I’ve never extended addiction beyond my private world, never with anyone else, but many on this forum are in the same situation, and regardless of what we’ve done or haven’t, we can all still identify with each other strongly, as we are all trying to break free from the lust that is so accessible and prevalent in today’s society. Luckily I had limited access to internet besides for specific times. But I’ve had my grapples with viewing inappropriate material. Zera levatala and I were very well acquainted with each other in the past, since a young age. I couldn’t stop. For 10 years I told myself each time that it would be my last. But it continued on and on. I am single. It has been close to two years that I have not purposely seen pornography or been motzi zera levatala.
Many of us have negative connotations of sex. Sex is far from a bad thing, quite the opposite in fact. When properly engaged in, it enhances relationships, and pru urvu is certainly up there on the mitzva scale. We however, have abused it, so we tend to view it negatively, because unfortunately, the only experience and understanding we have ever been involved was thru negativity. Rarely is sex discussed from the positive standpoint it can be in frum circles, certainly due to well meaning parents and mechanchem who are but sheltering us, but nevertheless we have the world as our mechanech, and it is very good at chinuch, albeit a negative chinuch. Through our struggles with lust, we encounter people who appear to have what appears to be an easier manner of dealing with it, and sometimes those who have it harder than us as well. Certainly though, we’ve gotten down on ourselves time and again, telling ourselves that WE have it too difficult, that only we are stuck this deep, in such difficulty, with no chance for getting out. Yiush is the grandmaster backing this mindset, and it accomplishes its goal. I think we all feel somewhat like- okay, maybe YOU can progress, but were talking about ME. I can’t make any progress, I’m too stuck, I have bigger tayvos, more issues. Untrue. Excuses. Excuses to get down on ourselves, orchestrated by the Y’H. Guess what. Everyone feels that way at one time or another. It is a monstrous struggle, many of us with no human support, even more of us with no face to face human support. How do we manage? The bottom line is, all of us are struggling. It’s immeasurable, who has a more difficult time, and really it is immensely difficult for us all . The real point is that those people have also beat it, and continue to do so, just like you are doing now on whatever level it is that you are currently on. 3 days? Congratulate yourself on having come this far. An hour? A huge step, considering that you are building new elements of your mind and pulling away from addiction. 90 days? You’ve come a long way! You’ve built new steps, new levels. There’s no stopping in this battle. Underlying that level is the very solid foundation of the promise that if you’ve done 3 days then you can do it again. We can do more. We will do more. We must make a plan of no compromise, through action, thought and words, especially tfilla. I have a friend , not me, really, and I’m not recommending it, I’m merely illustrating a point, who decided that if he acts out, he will burn his hand with a match. I walked past him one day and he held up his hand , with burn marks on it. Maybe you have to pinch yourself throughout the duration of taking a shower to keep your mind focused on an uncomfortable sensation, or use only one hand to clean yourself, while making a firm commitment not to remove the other hand from holding the shower handle to keep your mind focused on something, anything other than lust. Maybe some would advise against it, but we can close our eyes and daven in our own words throughout a shower. Yes, I know your not supposed to daven in the shower, sometimes the Y'H comes dressed in his rosh yeshiva garb as well. I humbly disagree with the Y’H as I am of the opinion that zera levatala is worse than thinking thoughts of kedusha in the shower. Call me what you will but I’d say it is okay to work on the method of shivisi hashem lnegdi tamid and visualize Hashem’s name, YKVK throughout the shower if necessary. I’m not saying that the shower is the only place to be grabbed by lust, although it certainly inspires lustful thoughts in many of us. Wherever it happens to you YOU WILL, IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE feel the desire to act out in some way. I don’t have ruach hakodesh, it is clear - al taamin batzmecha ad yom moscha. It is a struggle that is constantly with us, always, on some level. I don’t believe that any gadol hador never has a thought come to his mind. He became the gadol hador because he fought it.
The challenges WILL come. Take the time, wherever its is that you are prone to falling, instead do something positive, engage in some real, heartfelt tfilla. What’s your plan? There’s little use here for philolosophy, for deep thought about why we act out, or for procrastination. The time is now, to do, to act, even though we are not ready, perhaps BECAUSE we are not ready. It’s about pure practicality. Where do we fall? What allows those circumstances to occur, what brings them on. How will we avoid these places and/or times? How will we face those times to keep our mind occupied. What safeguards will we put up. What kind of promises can you make that will hold you back. The list goes on, but it needs to be made. I have friends who have promised hundreds of dollars to tzedaka if they fall. And they paid up. It is a deterrent if you are honest about it. The bottom line is, having a plan and real commitment. Ain davar omed bifnei haratzon. We can take 5 minutes a day if we can’t do more. We can ask Hashem in our own words to help us. Tfilla not only asks Hashem to save you, it reiterates our conviction of what we want for ourselves. Clearly it is no simple task. The point I’m trying to make is IT IS POSSIBLE TO BEAT ADDICTION! I never thought I’d hear myself say those words. It was just too difficult. Learning to sleep on my side, which is the least comfortable position for sleeping for me, took me months to get used to. It’s still not my preferred position but taking as many steps as I could helped me a lot in taking my mind off these matters. I’ve mentioned before that for me, taking on as many factors to remove it from my mind were the best possible thing I could do for myself. Some call it extreme. Okay, I agree, it is extreme. It takes extreme measures to beat addiction. It is boot camp. A grueling workout of the will, Bechira vs, Y'H. But we CAN choose. We CAN move on. I think that if we believe it, more and more, as we see our growth in small steps, we begin to slowly believe in ourselves, in our abilities. And from there, our winning over addiction is born. Was any of our lust worth it? Any time we’ve ever messed up was it really worth it? Was it that good. Come on. It’s an illusion. An addiction. Tfilla is ultimately the only answer, so substituting falling time for tfilla will get us double as far. Sounds like a lot? It is not. It is a small price to pay for beating what you so desire to get out of. To be close with Hashem. Let us decide now how we will combat our individual battles, those we are already battling by being on these forums. Even one method that we will not compromise on, let’s not move until we decide what it is. But whatever it is, let us be aware that we are not the first one to have extreme difficulty with tayva, we wont’ be the last, but beating it is within grasp. It’s right there. Want it. Ask for it. Take it. I have no doubt that anyone who davens a few minutes a day, takes on gedarim, and if necessary goes for therapy/group meetings, will quickly be on the 90 day chart and rising. nothing can stop us. May Hashem continue to grant great hatzlacha and growth to us all.