Dear Uri, I'm crying as I write this. I read your thread and tears of pain and pride are trickling down my cheek right now. If only you knew how special you are!
To be honest, I'm not sure why you feel Hashem has abandoned you again. Didn't you just have a Kabbalas Shabbos in shamayim itself? Didn't you get to daven at the Kosel? Didn't you get to open your heart to the only one who can really hear its pain? Just because he didn't answer immediately doesn't mean He didn't listen. Only a child demands and expects immediate gratification. And Uri, you are no longer a child. You need to learn acceptance and patience; both for yourself and for others. But MOSTLY, for yourself....
Hasn't Hashem sent you His most precious messengers to hold your hand through these great tests? Are GYE members anything less than human angels? My dear Uri, what are you expecting exactly; that the kisei hakavod itself come down and plonk itself in your living room? OPEN YOUR EYES; Hashem's hugs are there. He loves you; We love you. Now all we need is for YOU to love YOU!!!!!!!!
Holy Uri, you outdid yourself this time. What you said to Hashem by the Kosel is by far the greatest and most powerful form of Teshuva and Teffila! The Gemarah says that the king Menasheh was such a terrible rashah that he really couldn't do Teshuva anymore according to the normal rules. But when he did teshuva ANYWAY, Hashem "dug a tunnel" for him to return through. In other words, this kind of attitude - that "I don't care about anything; I want Hashem or BUST", has the power to create a new reality that didn't exist before.
In fact, R' Tzadok (Tzdkas Hatzadik 46) says that this is the avodah of our generation (the last one before Moshiach). He says that this is the deeper meaning of what Chazal say, that in the last generation "Chutzpa Yasgi - Brazenness will increase"- that even when Hashem pushes us away, we still insist on coming close. That is THE way to bring Moshiach, and it's thoroughly amazing to see it happening in such a perfect way!!!
Dearest Uri, all those guys that are learning their heads off in Yeshiva getting ready for Rosh Hashonah, they're great - Hashem loves them - they're doing wonderful things, and kol hakovod to them. But it's people like YOU that Moshiach has been waiting for. PEOPLE WHO FIND HASHEM IN THE DARKEST OF THE DARK; PEOPLE WHO AFTER BEING ROBBED OF ALL THEIR KEDUSHA AND THROWN IN TO THE VERY DEPTHS OF TUMAH UNTIL THEY CAN'T EVEN GET THEMSELVES TO PUT ON TEFILIN, THEY JUST WON'T GIVE UP! THEY JUST WON'T BUDGE! AND THEY SAY: "No matter how hard you push, I will keep reaching for You. You can't get rid of me, not You, not the Yetzer Hara, not the Satan, no one. I will not stop reaching for you to hold me."
Uri, I'm so full of awe and emotion, that I can't even think straight anymore....