Uri is a 21 year old with SA (sexual addiction). He suffers from depression and comes from an insecure home. He's been "rocking" our forum for the past half a year with his emotional and inspiring posts, but he took a break from the forum for a few weeks when his sex-addiction therapist suggested that he connect more with real life as opposed to the "virtual life" on the computer. But now he's back in full swing - and in honor of his return I'd like to bring today a bunch of great posts from Uri from the past few days. Uri's posts are especially precious because in them, Uri shares with us the wisdom that he is internalizing from his sex-addiction therapist.
Instead of fighting the lust and urge to "act-out" on a daily basis, we need to deal with the core issue.
What is the core issue?
That we have no feeling of emotional existential security.
Meaning: I don't feel happy with myself. I don't feel alive. I don't feel secure.
Acting-out brings an illusion of security.
It's a security from those feelings of insecurity and fear.
It's an understandable attempt (though futile of course) at controlling that fear, if only for a few moments.
"Here is a place where I am safe".
It's very secure feeling insecure.
We want to control this feeling of fear.
We want to control events around us.
Hiding and escaping is a form of control.
But is there another option?
I sure hope so, cuz that first option sucks.
We need to build a feeling of security and comfort with ourselves and our lives.
We need to confront and experience the fear.
We can say, "I am afraid. I feel insecure."
Acknowledge our helplessness.
Accept our helplessness.
That's step one.
And if we just hold off on the need to be in control, then naturally "trust" will cure the fear. This is a fact.
We just have to be aware of our fears and insecurities and be honest with ourselves. And just the fact that we no longer run to try and control it will give us faith that we can make it.
"Hashem, I am afraid, I am weak. Take care of me cuz I can't take care of myself."
Hashem desires the heart, my friend, and it is clear how badly you want to be good. Unfortunately, we are addicted to lust, and this is not something we can change without a serious change in us.
A red line would be useful though.
A few months ago, I decided that my red line would be no sex.
(See Chizuk e-mail #579 on this page for "Uri's Red-Line")
Masturbation was a story of its own, but live relationships a "no go".
And you know what?
It wasn't such a hard decision to make.
Why?
I've been in several relationships in my young life, and they have all caused me serious pain.
There's always an intense amount of insecurity on both sides (no matter how hidden), and the emotional damage that these relationships do is far more than the trouble's worth.
So I beg of you.
Stop playing with fire.
Especially when you won't even enjoy the fire.