Uri is a 21 year old with SA (sexual addiction). He suffers from depression and comes from an insecure home. He's been "rocking" our forum for the past half a year with his emotional and inspiring posts, but he took a break from the forum for a few weeks when his sex-addiction therapist suggested that he connect more with real life as opposed to the "virtual life" on the computer. But now he's back in full swing - and in honor of his return I'd like to bring today a bunch of great posts from Uri from the past few days. Uri's posts are especially precious because in them, Uri shares with us the wisdom that he is internalizing from his sex-addiction therapist.
I now have a job working in a sefarim store. Geshmak!
I'm with seforim and people all day...
And they love me because I know the seforim and pick things up quickly.
In general, my life's been on the up.
I'm becoming much happier with myself and therefore less depressed.
Life can be a bit scary sometimes, but aren't all adventures?
As I feel more internal strength and build up security, I feel the courage to start facing more issues of mine and dealing with them much more productively than ever before. It is definitely a process, which requires time & patience... (my patience still needs a lot of work, but that too takes patience ;-)
In yeshiva the answer to everything was always: "Learn and Daven, that will take away your problems". Well, it didn't. Now learning and davening has become the most unpleasant chore. Does that mean there is no hope?
Welcome to the chevra.
There are many different approaches here.
Some are more focused on staying sober.
Some on connecting more to life.
Some on connecting more to Hashem.
The ideal should be to attain all 3.
Find whatever tools work for you and use them.
I can share my story a bit here, cuz I think we are similar in where we are coming from.
I went to one of the most prestigious yeshivos in Eretz Yisrael.
I was one of the top bochurim in my year, and was admired by rebbeim and friends alike.
But I could not stop masturbating and falling here and there, going to places I shouldn't and sleeping around.
Every time I fell, I just reinforced my determination to stay clean and grow and focus more on learning and davening. I was sure that if I just became a "complete real masmid" then I would be happy with myself and not be depressed anymore and not have to go sin.
So I shteiged away for months.
And I became steadily more and more depressed till once again, I hit rock bottom.
I was so depressed that I almost killed myself.
And I went out and sinned.
And that's where I stayed.
I left my yeshiva.
I was nobody now. I couldn't learn nothing.
I knew finally that the answer was not in learning and davening.
I was messed up. And I needed help.
After months of intensive therapy, my addiction was revealed (yes it took that long).
I was desperate for love and security, and I had always thought that I could "find it" in sex.
Today I work in a sefarim store and learn when I can.
I am going to college, and my emuna and bitachon are getting stronger all the time.
I am still in therapy and have changed in ways I never would've dreamed imaginable.
And I'm a bunch of months without sex, and pretty much over it.
And I'm much happier and in touch with life and with people than I can ever remember.
We addicts usually have a messed up view of life, and usually had a messed up childhood too.
Those problems need to be addressed.
Until then, you can learn as much as Rav Elyashiv, but that won't change anything.
Stick with us.
We've been there, and countless people have healed through this forum - which has some of the bravest warriors this world has ever seen.
Kol tuv
-Uri