We've been working for the past few months with a 20 year old Ba'al Teshuvah, unmarried and schooling in a secular environment. Through great self-sacrifice he has been clean for close to a half a year already. Recently however, he has been feeling a bit frustrated and sent us the following e-mail:
Dear GuardurEyes, You've helped me so much to subdue my por-no and masturbation habit. I am so glad to be done with this. I feel almost sterile, with almost no desire to masturbate at all. However, quite frankly, I would like to know that all the suffering I have given myself over by not pursuing women has some meaning on High. Why can't I simply feel something special when I serve G-d, for example when I put on Tefillin? I have no joy from doing these things, but I do them anyway. Why don't you ask Hashem to help me have joy and simcha when serving him, since you seem to have a close connection with Him and He never answers my cries anyway. And while you are at it, tell Him that I feel that He doesn't care about me at all, and that I feel alone without Him, and that it would do a lot of good if He could just stop by from time to time and say "hello."
Since we can all probably relate to his struggles and feelings to some degree, I thought that today we could all try to be Mitchazek together in his merit!
Dear mighty spiritual soldier!
Your e-mail literally made me cry! You should know that you have a great soul and great strengths, and you are from G-d's select few in today's world who are able to remain clean in these areas. You are shaking the upper worlds with your self-sacrifice. But if Hashem would stop by and say hello, it would be all over. Hashem is loving it too much, and he doesn't want the great game of "Hide-&-Seek" that he is playing with you to end so fast.
Hashem is SO awesome and exalted - and your reward is so great, that when Moshiach comes (any day now!) or after 120 years, you will wish you could go back to those days where you had a chance to serve almighty G-d even though he was so hidden. If you would actually "know" what you are accomplishing by serving him, by going against your nature for him to the extent that you are, if you would only know, you would beg once again not to know.
This alone should give you tremendous joy.
- The fact that you have the great honor to serve such an awesome G-d, who created everything that exists in the universe and in all the upper spiritual worlds...
- The fact that you have the honor to be one of his great warriors on this dark Earth where he has hidden himself so well...
- The fact that you are giving Hashem such Nachas Ruach with your self sacrifice...
This should all be enough to make you want to dance!!
Chassidic literature often emphasizes how important it is for a Jew to value each and every deed that he does for Hashem, no matter how small. It is brought down from Tzaddikim that more a person values every little thing he does for Hashem - the more precious it is in the eyes of Hashem as well. One great Chassidic Master went as far to say that a Jew should feel he wouldn't sell the smallest thing that he did for Hashem for all the riches in the world! If we would only be successful to internalize this, we would be the richest people alive! Think about it. You said "no" to the Yetzer Hara today, or you put on Teffilin. Even though we are not on the spiritual level to feel the "divine light" of the Mitzvah that we did, still, if someone would come and offer us a million bucks to sell him that Mitzva, would we sell it? No! So in a very real sense, every Mitzva is (or should be) more precious to us than winning the lottery. So I ask, how can one feel down when he is winning the lottery every day?!
As far as feeling lonely and not feeling a connection with Hashem, one can indeed feel this way if we view Hashem as some sublime essence, detached from us lowly humans and somewhere up there in Heaven. However, the most central theme in Chassidus, and perhaps the Ba'al Shem Tov's greatest revelation was that Hashem is everywhere and in everything, even in the most lowly things! Let me explain how far this goes... In every bit of "desire" or "love" we feel, even in sinful ways, there lies the "fallen" light of "G-dly love and desire". If we understand this great secret, we begin to feel G-d in everything we see and in our own hearts as well. Instead of being pulled after the "fallen" love and pleasures that tempt us every day, we learn instead to turn our hearts to the source of all love, pleasure and beauty - G-d Himself. One who learns this great art merits to live with G-d all day, every day. He doesn't need G-d to come down from Heaven and say "hello" because G-d is right there with him at all times.