Even though I had a fall today, I had a lot of wins over lusting in the last couple of days and I'm proud of myself for that. I feel happy with myself and comfortable on my path to get this lusting out of my life.
I don't feel this big disappointment for starting all over. When I first started these 90 day counts a few months back, falling was a huge let-down and a reason to be depressed. Now I am more mature and have the big picture and long term goal in mind. I am enrolled in SA, I have the reading material, and I'm posting on this site regularly. I feel like I am on the road to recovery, and I am excited about it. I will not be so stupid to believe that I will just sail straight into sobriety for ever. Of course I will fall along the way. But I do feel I am getting stronger at the core.
I firmly believe that the Yetzer Hara gets more out of getting you depressed after the aveira, than doing the aveira itself.
I said tikun haklali today, so hopefully all the damage to all the upper worlds was rectified already. And I already did M hundreds of times, so why should I let he yetzer Hara fool me that I should start feeling all terrible about this one? What about all the other ones I couldn't care less about?
On the other hand, being depressed about it and letting it ruin my day, and ruining my davenings and my confidence, etc. that's a fresh new accomplishment for the Yetzer Hara. Now he has ammo to make me sin all day, and even for the next couple of days, until I come up with new resolve to start fighting with zeal again.
In my SA meeting there was a 60 year old who just joined 2 months ago. If I don't stop it, it will never stop on its own. Imagine going through my entire life, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 years old - and never stopping to lust; never getting past it. What a pathetic and sad life that would be; always being obsessed with it, going through the guilt cycles, etc. And imagine being free. I want to be free.