The Chazon Ish (Emunah U’Bitachon 4:1) writes that although our Sages taught us about many different middos and how to perfect them, one middah matters more than any other: the trait of deciding to fight our negative impulses. No matter what middos a person struggles with, the most important factor is whether he allows them to run his life or fights back. That will determine whether he will overcome his bad traits and where he will end up as a person.
It is easy to follow our impulses, especially because they are so strong. Giving up takes the least effort, while fighting them requires an incredible amount of energy. Nevertheless, it is crucial that we take control of our actions. Although we might feel weighed down by strong desires and bad habits, we can conquer these impulses if we say to ourselves, “I don’t want things to go this way. I want to be in control and live a thrilling and rewarding life! I want to feel good about myself, and I want to be happy with the path I chose. I won’t let any desire control my life any longer, no matter how strong it is! I will stand up and fight!”
If you need to muster more strength to make the decision, remind yourself that you will experience so much pain if you don’t change. Think about it until you feel you have no choice but to change, even though changing will mean leaving some pleasures behind. You don’t want things to remain the way they are! Think about all the pain those indulgences put you through and how unsatisfying it was. Realize that chasing after desire is just not worth it! Say to yourself that you are done with being a person you don’t want to be, and that you are going to change things no matter what! Think long and hard about where your life is heading and where you want it to be until you feel determined never to return to your bad habits.
Once you decide to fight your desires, you will see that you have the strength to succeed. Of course, you will still face strong impulses that will make you feel that you want to indulge and that nothing else matters. Determination to change doesn’t make your temptations go away; you will still be challenged. But if you are determined and use a step-by-step plan, you will succeed.
Nobody other than yourself will make you change. You might be able to blame your life’s circumstances for your failures, and nobody will argue with you. If a couple of things in your life were different, of course you would be doing a much better job controlling yourself. But those things are not different, and they probably won’t change anytime soon. If you want your life to improve so you can become the person you want to be, you must make things change. You must take control of your life instead of letting your desires and circumstances control you. Take responsibility for your mistakes without beating yourself up. Tell yourself that though it would have been difficult to control yourself those times you didn’t, and though it will take significant effort for you to take charge, you will regain control starting now. By accepting responsibility to change, you are taking the first step toward the self-control and happiness you seek.