Chapter 42- Watching What We Say
If we want to attain self-control, we must be guarded with our speech. We must avoid allusions or jokes about desire and try not to speak about it in a direct manner.
When these sensitive matters must be discussed, we should try to use roundabout and indirect language whenever possible. This is because certain words and phrases can trigger feelings and desires. It has been proven scientifically that our words affect our emotions and impulses — even if the effect is subconscious and we don’t feel it. We might experience only a small, barely noticeable urge, or we might not feel anything at all. We probably won’t think it could lead us to sin in any way. Nevertheless, our speech awakens our dormant desires a little, and any increase in desire, even a slight one, increases our susceptibility. Then when a trigger hits, we feel stronger cravings than we would have, and we are more likely to give in.
And even if we won’t act on our desires when challenged, why would we want to increase them anyway? It just brings us pain. We would be making it hurt more when we hold back from giving in. Why would we do that to ourselves?
Unfortunately, many people use perverse language rampantly. They are constantly increasing their desires, albeit unconsciously. This is one reason their challenges are so intense. Improper speech strengthens their urges, and they erupt at the hint of a challenge.
Additionally, the more time that passes without us giving in to desire, the less powerful desire is over us (Sukkah 52b). And if we don’t even experience stirrings of desire in the first place, our desires diminish dramatically. The longer we can pull this off, the weaker they become. But by speaking lustfully or using words that we associate with desire, we don’t get that complete break from desire because somewhere in our heads, we are subtly experiencing it. Our impulses are stronger when we are challenged, and it is harder to overcome temptation.
The common denominator in people who control their eyes is that they also control their mouths. Avoiding inappropriate speech is vital for self-mastery. It is also a great first step to change. Being careful about what comes out of our mouths requires us to be alert, which stops us from all types of bad behavior.