Deep Breathe.... Here we go:
I am torn. Torn to pieces. Shreds. Threads. What is there to do? Another spiral downward. Another dip in the sea of death. Yet another cry from my knees. I don't know what to do anymore. I honestly feel hopeless. Helpless. Almost on the brink of just wanting to give up this battle and just let life takes me where it wants.
I tell myself I am not strong enough. I don't have the will or mind power. And I truly don't. When was the last time this really affected me? When was the last time I cried over this? Life is a cycle. If I want to change myself I need to find the biggest hammer in the world and smash this cycle to bits and pieces. After doing well for a while, I feel like I've fallen all the way back to worse than pre-GYE.
I don't really ever ask for help so this calling out to you guys is the truth.
Thank you all.
There is a story I heard about R' Yisroel Salanter, though others have quoted it about someone else:
A yiddle was told he'd be davening for the amud at Reb Yisroel's shul that Yomin Noro'im, and said: "Rebbi, this is ridiculous! I am not a person to do this: I don't sing well enough, I don't have enough real kavonoh, and I have aveiros, besides!"
Reb Yisroel answered (and I am starting to cry now while typing this): "What, do you think we really need someone up there who thinks that he can sing well enough, has good kavonoh and has no aveiros!?"
To me, that story is like a bolt of thunder and lightning. The steps are not really for the guy who wants to improve his life, the guy who feels he needs to be stronger, nor for the guy who thinks that if he just tries these eitzos, he'll make it! They are for the guy who has no hope whatsoever - even with the steps! It's impossible! There is no way he can make it! But he has no way out (cuz suicide is not what he wants to do, for whatever reason)!
B"H! For him there is an accepting and loving Hashem waiting, and the steps helped many people find that open hand of Hashem and get the gift of a new life, if they admit the truth about themselves see there is no way out, and begin to give themselves over to the care of Hashem.
It's indeed not for the guy who thinks he can make it - it's for the guy who sees that he can't.
You are a very lucky person. Let go of yourself and get the help you need and trust in the impossible. Gevalt, it isn't easy. But in the end, what choice do we have?