I want to share what Miri posted on the forum. Not only is it a great story and testimonial, but there is so much we can all learn from her:
WOW!!! I really appreciate everyone's congratulations on my reaching 90 clean days. It has been some journey. I started on this forum a little over 5 months ago and I have been working on abstinence ever since. I must say that firstly, this forum and this website were already a huge stepping stone for me. The inspiration that I was reading on the website, and knowing that I am not alone in this struggle has made a huge difference. I have found out that so many others like me want to be free of this Yetzer Harah, and they were successfully staying clean. I was able to share here and get guidance. I am forever grateful.
Reaching 90 days for me is just another step forward. I am climbing a never ending ladder, because I know that I am an addict. My disease is "working out" in the background, and I know that I need to be very aware of this. I cannot let my guard down and say that now that I have been abstinent for so long, I must be "cured"... I am not, I am just in remission.
It says in the Big Book that our disease is "cunning, baffling and powerful" and without help, it is too much for us.... Which one can help us? "that one is G-d, may you find him now!" I love this part, because it talks to me every time I read it. It reminds me that I need to daven for my abstinence every single day, whether I feel like I need to or not. It reminds me that the reason Hashem has lifted my addictions from me for today, is because I am doing my part. I used to want Hashem to just lift these obsessions from me without me doing anything for it. Now I know that Hashem will lift it from me if I work for it, and that work is:
It is time consuming, and sometimes I wish I did not have to do it all, but the alternative is being a zombie; being a slave to my addictions! I was truly not alive when I was in my addictions, and now I am! So in reality, I am saving myself plenty of time because of my abstinence. I am actually "there" for those who need me.
I also feel, that as long as I was drowning myself with my substance of choice (be it "food" or "lust"), my eyes were clouded. They could not see the blessings being showered on me on a daily basis. But it is different now. I can see blessings so much more. I can see Hashem's hand in my life all the time. And I know it is because I am no longer fogged up with my addictions.
When I first stumbled on the GuardYourEyes website, I was really hating myself and where my addiction was leading me to. I was very aware that I was addicted to lust, and it was even more plain to me at that time because I was already abstaining from sugar, wheat, flour and volume. I was working the 12-steps, but this addiction to lust was bothering me very much. It was another "escape method" for me.
I was not in a good place. I had no job, I had too much time on my hands to think and feel. And like most addicts, I do not like to feel, and since I was not able to bury my feelings with the food, I buried them with lust. I would sit for hours and hours wasting my time on the computer watching movies. At first it was family movies, "innocent" time wasters, and then it moved to more "adult" material, and then on to the absolutely worst filth. I will not get into too much detail because most of you know how it feels like being in the disease and in the clutches of the Yetzer Harah... In short, my mind was constantly on what I had watched and how I can get to see more. It was starting to feel like I am back in the food, just this time with lust! It was horrible.
And that is when I found this wonderful website, and since then I have been pulled from the mud and am a "free bird", so to speak. The best part of it all, is that I can live with myself without the horrible guilty feelings that always plagued me because I was not "there" for my family, or because I felt like an empty shell, and because I was not accomplishing what I could accomplish.
Isolation is something like poison for me, because I do all my addictions in secret, away from others. I learned that when I share with others like me, it is one of the best tools to keep my disease at bay.
I have heard from others in this program, that they never thought they would be grateful that they are addicts, but now they are grateful. I am also grateful that I am an addict (it is not easy for me to say this, because being in recovery is work!) but I know that for the tikkun of my neshama and to be closer to Hashem, I needed to be an addict and learn the "medicine" for it, in order to become a better person and get closer to Hashem.
So many wonderful things have happened to me since I started with GuardYourEyes. As you know, I am working the 12-Steps since I started at OA almost two years ago, but I seem to have profoundly changed since I started my lust abstinence, and I am sure that it is no coincidence. I feel like Hashem has put me in a different "container" or "category" so to speak, by showering my life with blessings. Here are a few recent blessings:
And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have had several other changes that have happened during this time that were all very positive. I feel like Hashem is showering me with love. Can it be from working my program and staying abstinent? I feel deep down that "yes".
I love this program, and I hope and pray that I will be zoche to be abstinent - one day at a time - for the rest of my life.
If anyone hasn't begun their 90 day journey yet (based on scientific studies that show it takes 90 days to break an addictive behavior in the mind), today's a great day to start! Click here to sign up for the 90 day chart.
And we also see from Miri's story how powerful the 12-Step program is. GuardYourEyes offers multiple anonymous 12-Step phone conferences, where you can learn how to work the 12-Steps into your life along with experienced frum sponsors. Go to www.guardyoureyes.org and on the title-bar at the top of the page click on "Tools > Phone Conferences" to learn more about the various options we offer throughout the week.
We also encourage everyone to read through Miri's 12-Page thread on the "Woman's forum". She is a very inspiring person, and there is so much we can all learn from her!
We bless Miri that Hashem should always continue to hold her hand, and she should feel it every moment for the rest of her life!