While the GYE forum was down this week, I was talking to my GYE friends off-site and I was telling them that I felt it was time for me to go... The repeated falls were making me believe it's hopeless... But certain events have transpired which gave me reason to believe the famous words that "efshar, efshar, efshar letakain".... I refuse to let myself drown, so I am here...
I realized that I was getting seriously depressed after each fall and that the depression and despair that came out of that was defeating me even more than the lust itself. What I needed was some victories... I needed some wins to get the winning streak going... So I've accepted upon myself that no matter what, no matter who, no matter when, I will not look at porn... Porn is my red-line... Even if I act out, it cannot be with external stimulation... My hope is to make progress against lust... And hopefully in a few days or weeks I can up my red-line to no acting out at all... For me, this wasn't an easy thing for me to accept... On one hand, this seems to violate the rule that we are allergic to lust and cannot have any of it.... It violates the principle that half measures avail us nothing... But I think the key that I am focusing on is taking progressive victories over lust, and making each day better than the last - so that the momentum is going in the right direction....
Meanwhile, I will work the 12 steps... A guy from my group gave me a book that is sort of interactive, called "Working the Steps"... I will start working them as I plow ahead, so that I can be in a place real soon where I can see some sobriety that lasts...
Another thought... I realized that for me, getting going in the right direction was only possible through having a support group around me. When I first landed on this forum, I was surrounded by so much support that I was able to catapult into sobriety for over 100 days... But when these old timers slowly left the forum, I lost my support and had a hard time staying sober... Then I started going to SA meetings and the support of the good REAL folks there... man, those guys are REAL... they helped me stay sober. But on days when there were no meetings, I had no support and I couldn't get by... So the most important thing that someone starting up can do, is to get support... Whether it's through making connections here on the forum or getting a good sponsor or going to meetings, you MUST get support early... In that vain, I've taken some phone numbers of people here on the forum and from my SA group, to reach out to and chat with when things are good and when thing are rough...
Viva La Revolucion!!