I'm still clean, but barely holding on. I'm in a terrible mood and I'm having trouble getting hold of myself. I was so good this week, I feel like crying. When I drove home tonight I passed town and I felt such mixed feelings. I saw teens just feeding off lust with no inhibitions. I felt angry that they could fill their needs while I sit and struggle to keep myself in check. They look so happy, while I feel so discontent.
One piece of advice I read somewhere on this site helped me have a much better shabbos. And that is, that Hashem has tremendous nachas ruach for whatever we're able to give, just give it. Cry to Hashem whenever. Plead for mercy. Spill your heart out always. Hashem desires the heart.
Dear Uri, it's obvious from your posts that you have a very special Neshamoh and that you're on your way to real Gadlus. The Yetzer Hara will not let you get there without putting up a good fight, but you have to stick it out. Within a short time you'll be a totally new person. Although it seems now that the whole world has it good and you don't, the opposite is true. Those who give in to lust are happy for a short while, and then left disillusioned and empty inside. On the other hand, those who fulfill their purpose on this world and do Hashem's will, they may have it hard for a short time in the beginning, but they achieve TRUE happiness and fulfillment for all eternity! Soon you will be SO MUCH HAPPIER, and the ONLY feeling that you'll feel for those "street kids" is very sincere pity.
One of the main tricks of the Yetzer Hara, is to spotlight things that cause stress. He makes a whole lot of noise, like it says in the Pasuk "and the evil ones, like the sea they churn, for being silent they cannot". He makes us feel all desperate. And that's what the Meraglim did. Thay got all dramatic and made everyone feel extremely desperate ("Guys we're dead meat, etc."). It works really well - they managed to get everyone to cry the whole night on the ninth of Av. And that's the source of the churban that we are now mourning over now, as Chazal say (that Hashem said): "you cried for nothing (in the desert), now I shall instigate a crying for generations".
We have to try to use Kalev's tactic, as the Pasuk says: "and Kalev hushed the nation"... Kalev came and said: "SHHHH, calm down, let's be rational, if Hashem got us until here, He'll also get us in to Eretz Yisrael". But they were so busy crying and screaming that they couldn't even listen to Kalev.
Let's learn the lesson and try not to let this trick work on us. Take a deep breath and then another one and a bunch more. Calm yourself down as much as you can, and firmly tell the Yetzer Hara: "I'll be just fine. Hashem runs my life and takes very good care of me. I most definitely don't HAVE TO act out". In fact, acting out will only make things worse.
And if I'm feeling stressed now, then ADERABA, this is my opportunity - given to me as a gift from Hashem Himself -to show my true loyalty to Him, to fulfill the purpose of creation in the truest sense and to merit unfathomable pleasure for each and every second of holding out!"
This is not always easy to do, but it's well worth working on it. With time and effort, it will get easier and easier.
It's so important to realize that we are made up of two parts. Our Neshamah, which is really our essence, is totally good; "Tehorah Hi". Our body (including the "animal soul") is really only a "levush - garment" (something like what a car is to its driver), and it includes in it all the traits of all the nations and all the animals. R' Elchonon Wasserman said that each of us has a whole zoo in him. And R' Tvi Meir adds that we also have the whole U.N too! (I don't know which one is more dangerous).
If you are fortunate enough to realize that you have these traits, and you are fortunate enough that it bothers you, then you are in very very good shape.
Every time you fight one of these traits, you are bringing a sacrifice to Hashem that is far more precious in His eyes than any physical sacrifice that was ever offered. This is spelled out very clearly in a quite a few places in Tanach. So when you see in yourself a good fat "Bi'heima", you should rejoice over the opportunity offer such a "korbon mehudar" (top notch sacrifice) to Hashem!
CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!!!