Dear K.,
As moderator of the GYE forum (and I have copied "Skeptical," who is also a moderator), it is my responsibility to monitor the forum. I can't help but notice your work ethic for recovery. It is truly astounding and you should be commended. I also feel for your struggles, especially with your family.
In reading one of your last posts, I related strongly with one line, and I thought it important to let you know my thoughts.
You wrote something to the effect that you feel down that your friends don't really know you. I have written that many times, but I have two comments:
1. It was strange that I never really felt that way prior to recovery. Why? For several reasons, but probably the primary reason was that I felt that that part of me - the dark side, wasn't the true me. So, why should that be different in recovery?
2. I have said many times that my true friends are my GYE buddies (and I have personally met and spoken to many of them). I also have opened up to some real people in my regular/ordinary life. But as recovery grows on me and becomes somewhat distant (which may not be the greatest thing for an addict like myself), I realize that improving my life in all facets (not only lust) is the real me. I don't need to brag, discuss, argue with others about these issues; I merely need to live life on the terms set out for me (with the help of God, and I also don't analyze what He had in store for me), and that is the true me, and let my friends know me for that.
Should I care that they don't know that I spent a year going to meetings, traveling one hour in each direction? No. Should it bother me that they are not aware that I spent half a year skyping late at night with a specialist in Israel? No. Should it concern me that my own wife didn't/doesn't know that I went to a sex/marriage specialist for two years? I feel bad, but she also doesn't know the extent of my sickness/disease. Ultimately, she knows that our marriage now is on solid footing and she is thankful for that. My friends appreciate me more now. I am living life now more towards the way God intended it to be, and that is the true me.
All my secrets are merely tools or vehicles that enabled me to get to where I am now. Some of them were potholes and dams as well. So be it.
I wish and I pray that you should have continued success.
Brachah vhatzlachah,
Cordnoy
Avrohom
*****
Hi Mr Cordnoy,
Thank you ever so much for your email.
It really touches me that you're following my journey... I mainly write to make sure I've just done the "next right thing", and this reply is way beyond anything I would have expected.
Thanks for caring and relating. I absolutely love what you said about sharing with friends. And yes, the question is so true: why should I start caring now that I'm not doing anything wrong in that field, if I never cared before?? Thanks for pointing this out to me.
Only now do I start to really feel that I'm leading a double life... but in fact, it's not so much the case anymore, as far as today is concerned, thank G-d.
I've read and re-read your lines, and I'll probably re-read them again.
I also can't help taking the opportunity to really express my gratitude for the forum's moderation. I'll never forget how good and safe I felt when I saw all the mods' names at the bottom of each page, and to see that posts have been read... and it DOES feel safe to share in there. This safety is a constant life-saver, so thanks.
I can't even start to imagine all the time and work it involves - and really, I appreciate you taking the time to reach out.
Thanks for everything
K.