A wife isn’t just as mirror – she is a magnifying glass as well. She exposes all of his flaws, even the tiniest. Hashem does this because no man can objectively see all of his shortcomings. Our Sages have said that a hint is enough for a wise man, but a fool needs to be hit over the head. He must always remember – if his wife revolts against him, he is the cause.
Some husbands maintain that they are the picture of calmness in the face of their wife’s outbursts. Instead of acting like “Mr. Cool,” a caring husband should try to understand what is bothering his wife and know that it is because of the things in himself that he hasn’t corrected.
Some husbands insist that they are model husbands, but even when they come home bearing groceries, gifts for their wife, and compliments, they are met with a salvo of anger and complaints. What these “model husbands” forget to mention is how they gazed longingly after other women in the supermarket. A wife’s radar picks up everything. Through her, Hashem let’s a man know that he’s got to clean up his act.
Rabbi Arush recommends that every husband have a set time for self-inspection and for “Hitbodedut,” pouring his heart out before Hashem and asking for His help with all of his problems and with recognizing everything he needs to correct. Without this, he is liable to receive shock treatment from his wife in order to arouse him to make tshuva.
A husband may have noble intentions, wanting to help his wife be a better person, but his critical comments have the opposite effect. By nature, women don’t like to be criticized or reprimanded for their behavior. Just as it is a mitzvah to offer correction to someone who will heed it, it is a mitzvah to refrain from correcting someone who won’t. Since criticism is anathema to a wife, comments will only cause tension and anger. To a wife, criticism means that her husband doesn’t love her. If a husband knew how deeply his remarks pierced his wife’s heart, he wouldn’t say them.
A husband’s tendency to constantly criticize is a sign of his own character flaws.
The yetzer hara (evil inclination) often encourages a husband to criticize his wife with the pretense that it is for her own good to help her change for the better. He feels justified as if his comments are out of his love for her. But the minute he criticizes her, no matter how warranted it may seem, her soul darkens and she is crushed. Her whole world crumbles. Feeling that her very life is threatened, she may react by striking out, like a wounded animal trying to protect itself. This brings him to criticize her further and the tragic vicious cycle is reinforced.
A husband’s criticism can bring a wife to physical illness or a nervous breakdown, G-d forbid. If he criticizes her in the name of the Torah, accusing her of failing to meet Torah standards in her religious behavior, this can bring her to hate the Torah and be angry toward G-d, may Hashem have mercy. She is liable to throw away her hair covering and abandon Judaism altogether.
To summarize, a husband must avoid criticizing his wife at all costs!
And if you say that it is your duty as the husband to point out your wife’s failings so that she can become a better and happier person, this isn’t the way.
It is not a husband’s job to correct his wife. Instead of focusing on his wife, by correcting himself, he will be doing her the best thing he can, helping her automatically in all areas of her life as well.
In addition, a husband must always see his wife in a positive light and emphasize her good points, and address her with kind words, compliments and praise.
If for some pressing reason a husband feels it necessary to point something out to his wife regarding her behavior, he should not do it immediately, but wait a few days at a time when things are loving between, first praying to Hashem that he cause no pain to his wife. He should express himself lovingly in a positive manner, like, “How wonderful it is, sweetheart, to be a positive role model for our children,” and not criticize her for talking lashon hara (evil speech) on the telephone in front of the kids.
But this option, if used, should always be an exception to the rule of no criticism whatsoever. Always remember, the peace in the home is dependent upon you, the husband, and not on your wife.