Hello to everyone,
This is my first foray into the world of GYE, and I'm really hoping that it will become a real force in my life, as I've been battling the other forces for too long.
I'm happily married to a beautiful and loving woman, and together we are raising a bunch of wonderful children, yet there is a side of me that no one knows about, a side of me that has been eating away at me for almost as long as I can remember. That side of me is the Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekkyl, the crazed sicko who gets set loose at night and does horrifically shameful things. Being a true Ohaiv Ha-shem, who really loves the Aibishter and his Torah and Mitzvos, this creates an enormous amount of conflict in my life, leading me to feelings of isolation - despite being surrounded by people who love me; and despair - despite leading a relatively successful life.
To compound those feelings, I am involved in Avodas Hakodesh, so while people are looking to me for inspiration, I'm sometimes involved in things that if they had the slightest clue of, they would pillory me in the town square. This makes me feel even more like a fake and a fraud, despite the fact that all I really want to do in my life is bring people closer to Avinu Shebashamayim. Many times, I have thought about quitting my job, recognizing that I'll never really be able to inspire others if there's no gas in my fuel tank, but I'm reminded of the fish's response to Rabbi Akiva, "If in the water, the place of our life, we need to fear, how much more so on dry land, the place of our death!" So I guess I will try to stay close to the water. Besides all the teaching I do, I personally learn for hours every day, sometimes immediately followed by a most inglorious session of shmutz!. I just keep trying to slog through the muck.
Today is day 1 of my journey. I hope you can give me the chizzuk I need to make it out of my living hell.
Dear baLetaher,
Your story is the same as so many others on this site. It brings tears to my eyes to see how our best and brightest are finding themselves wallowing in the mud. Someone just sent me the following yesterday:
I heard a medrash quoted by Rav Kessin. It relays a conversation between Moshiach ben Yosef and Hashem.. Moshiach ben Yosef has become aware of the possibility that many of the Jewish people will not make it through to the times of Moshiach. This upsets him greatly and he declares his readiness to do whatever it takes so that they should survive. Hashem responds and says that in order to save them, he will have to descend to the depths of impurity in order to save every last soul, as many of them will be entrenched in evil. He agrees to this, and as he is sent down into the spiritual abyss, Moshiach ben Yosef screams in horror at the depths of the depravity he encounters, but nevertheless does accomplish his goal.
Who knows if your soul - and other holy souls like yours - don't perhaps contain a spark of Moshiach Ben Yosef that had to enter the depths of depravity, so that WHEN YOU FINALLY BREAK FREE of this though your own personal journey of Messiras Nefesh, you will be able - through the wisdom you gained thereby - to pull hundreds of OTHER Yidden out as well, along with you!
So let's begin this journey to the light, for the honor of Hashem, TODAY, on Chanukah - in a time when the king descends limata me'asara and when one can do Teshuvah from even the lowest sins! (see the Divrei Chaim - quoted in Chizuk e-mail #656)