I am a 25 year old college student struggling with viewing internet porn and, quite recently, relations with a non-Jewish ex-girlfriend from before I was frum. B''H I have been able to cut off contact with said woman, which is something I tried hard to do for months. I now haven't seen her in a couple months, and have not responded to a few of her attempts to contact me. Also, B''H due to a new living situation and WebChaver on my laptop (which is REALLY effective and worth the negligible $3.95 per month), I have stayed away from internet porn almost completely. I also haven't masturbated in about 3 months. So I've seen some success in this area lately B"H.
The problem is, I've dropped off on a lot of mitzvos I used to do when I was struggling more with the addiction. My relationship with Hashem has suffered, and when I do happen to be in shul and everyone else is davening, I can't bring myself to do it because it feels so disingenuous. I can't face Hashem, and somehow I think He won't notice me if I don't speak to Him, which is what I want, because if He does notice me, He'll Judge me, and that would be embarrassing. And anyway, the voice in my head says, "You haven't davened all week, and now you find yourself in shul and you think you can suddenly start muttering words that you don't mean, and you think Hashem will appreciate that?"
Aryeh, holy Aryeh... Forget the davening in shul / not davening / guilt / hypocrisy, etc.. these are all killers! The Yezter Hara wants us to believe we are too far gone, that we are hypocrites, he makes us feel guilty always, etc... This is all lies. We need to learn how:
These things are the FOUNDATION of recovery.
Guard, perfect timing. I've been having such a rotten day and feeling more and more worthless that I was just about to give up and go to a computer where I can act out. But I checked GYE first and saw your post and I feel that it must be hashgacha pratis that you posted these inspiring words. I think I can make it through tonight without acting out because of your post.
Your words also reminded me to get out my copy of The Garden of Emunah. I will spend some time reading it before bed. I've already read the book once and I've started to read it a second time. When I feel like I'm headed down the drain, I've found that the most effective remedy is to read/listen/speak/connect in some way to something spiritual. What got me through last week was listening to a shiur by Esther Jungreis in my car. How easily I forget the yesodos of emunah unless I keep on reminding myself.
Yesterday I fell and looked at some internet pornography. It wasn't the worst kind of fall, since I only spent 10 minutes or so looking and then stopped.
I had tried hard to ignore the urge a first, and I managed to distract myself for about an hour. But when the idea pops into my head, it becomes an obsession and even if I delay it, I can't seem to make it go away.
I'm not feeling down about it because I feel that I put up a decent fight. I just hope to be more successful next time.
Aryeh, it's so impressive to hear how you've cut off the relationship with the non-Jewish woman, and how you've been mostly clean for the last 3 months. But to stop after 10 minutes - that's even more impressive! An addict can't stop. We simply can't stop once we started. Only Hashem can stop us.
When the obsession strikes, we have no hope unless we admit we can't win - and simply give over the struggle to Hashem. "Kovei Hashem Yachalifu Koach". We literally, "switch strengths" with Hashem.
You are far more beloved to Hashem than you can even begin to imagine. He is crazy about you.
Thank you so much Guard. Just today, I was thinking about how hard it will be not to fall back to my old ways and contact this woman when I go home for the Thanksgiving break. I'm feeling the pull to do it, and I'm afraid. I actually had just checked her Facebook profile before I came on GYE, a step in the wrong direction that I haven't taken in weeks. So yeah, it's pretty spooky how surgically precise your last two comments have been in helping me.
As a matter of fact, I'm proud to announce to the Olam that I just scheduled my Facebook account for deletion. It is pure trash and a slip waiting to happen. I thought I needed it for contact information, but that was a lie of the Yetzer Hara. Facebook is trash. I encourage everyone here to get rid of it. No more looking at women, imbibing all sorts of lashon hara and lewdness, no more unfiltered nonsensical opinions on everything. In short, one step in the right direction.
BTW, I was shocked to find out that there is simply no way to instantly delete your account. They merely deactivate it. If you Google how to delete the account, you find non-Facebook people giving instructions on how to do it. The site itself completely hides this option. Nonetheless, it is possible to schedule your account for deletion within 14 days. PM me if you are unsure how to do this and want to.