Are Hashem's hands ever tied Chas veshalom that He can't be in love with us? I believe that it is our Yetzer Hara that tells us: "Hashem only really loves me when I am good (if He loves me at all), and even then, only after I do some Teshuva".
These are normal sentiments, particularly for us frum Yidden who have been taught the standards that Hashem wants us to live up to, for our own benefit. But they are poison, and for me, they were a convenient cop-out actually, which led me only to a downward spiral and to a more unrealistic understanding of Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
You wrote:
"I regret that I have lost yet another streak. I do not know if I should stay on the list or chart, as I can't seem to fight any more. How far I have fallen from who I was!"
I'd like to know who fed you the idea that if you only try hard enough you will "beat it". Who told you that you are locked in a mortal combat of wills against lust? Whoever it was, they may want to re-evaluate their thinking, because it seems that you only need to fail a few more times before you have no more ability to fight. And then what? Apparently you will just keep losing, basically giving in to what you call the "Yetzer Hara" completely, no? You sound just as I did, once upon a time. I was sure I'd get better. Later I wasn't so sure. Finally - after medications, psychiatrists, therapists, near-arrest, near-death twice, and near-divorce, I was finally sure that I'd never get better. I drew comfort only from the fact that I'd keep my secret to the grave. Not a life for a nice Jewish boy.
My dear friend Yankle, this is not the way of the program that I am familiar with at all. No, the 12-step program that works for me and others is not for the man who needs help to try harder. It is for the one who is hopelessly lost and realizes he cannot win because there is something wrong with him. He needs an honest and realistic partnership with the G-d he thought he had. (You can read about this in "The Doctor's Opinion" at the beginning of the AA Big Book). The program I know says to this person: There is hope, even for you! Just take these steps. (You can read exactly this, at the start of ch. 5 in the Big Book). Yankle, we are talking about your life here.
You also wrote:
"How can I expect Hashem to be good to me, or even provide good for me, if keep on falling to my yetzer harah and defying Hashem?"
Well, see the above (and the Tomer Devorah) to see that Hashem is big enough to be really, really good - even to you. Please see the Heiligeh Divrei Chayim in Vayishlach on the posuk: "vayikra lo keil, elokei yisroel" to see exactly how Hashem takes "revenge" on people like us! Amazing. (It tells my life story all the way through, BTW!)
Again, if you have a love-affair with this "Yetzer Hara" business, good luck. But if you look honestly inside and decide that it's not a Yetzer Hara issue anymore, but rather that something is wrong with you (you are addicted), then consider reading the first couple of chapters in the big book for Bill's story, and then decide if you are just as hopeless as he was. If you are, then we have an answer that may work for you as it does for us.
And you wrote:
"Instead, I have brought this terrible illness of lust upon myself and I feel that until I break it nothing positive will come to me anymore, as I do not deserve it"
More of the same. Maybe you are at fault for bringing this terrible illness upon yourself, maybe not. I don't know. Kaballah seforim have much to say about proclivities, responsibility, bad levushim from one's parents, etc. It is all a complicated and confusing issue really. But it is also irrelevant. What I do know, is that you are calling it an "illness". To me, that is a worthy of a dance, as it may mean that you feel in some way ill, and that it's not just a Yetzer Hara issue. Now, maybe you'll consider that perhaps you are handicapped and stop beating yourself up over it. I truly hope that you will get the help that ill people like you and I need, instead of doing what I did for over ten years; watching my life go down the drain in a valiant struggle against the Yetzer Hara.
You wrote:
"I want to be able to get a relationship with the Ribono Shel Olam".
Bingo - You hit the nail on the head! If this is what you really want, then you'll be OK. But first recognize the relationship that you already have - as above, and learn how to go from there.
You wrote:
"The loneliness gets to be too much for me. I turn only to Hashem and the handbooks for help."
Again, you are obviously a deep and holy Jew, yet you are still lonely. Now how about connecting a little more than you currently are, with other lust addicts? This forum is a nice start, but being in a LIVE chevra and having a human sponsor/role model was indispensable to me.
I love you!
Dov