A sweet GYE guy who has been going to a few SA meetings, too, asked me to try and explain what "powerless" means and to try and clarify what "working his program" means in every day life. I did not do a very thorough job on #2, but #1 seems pretty clear to me...
1) Powerlessness simply means that I really, really stink at living without acting out my lust. But more to the point, it means that I am really bad at using and enjoying lust. I feel sure I can do it, so I keep trying - but when I do, important areas of my life eventually get screwed up and I get miserable. My years of sincerely trying to use it without it ruining my mind, relationships and life, and all that while 'fighting it to finally quit!', prove to me that when I do partake and try to enjoy it, it takes over my day, I take risks, lose self respect and my relationships become progressively uglier. That's why I eventually had to get sober. Not because I have self-will to quit or yir'as Shomayim. No. It was simply because doing it my way was too big a mess.
If I (Dov) could successfully enjoy using porn and acting out my sexual fantasies, I would. Probably do would most guys who are stuck in habitual masturbation and porn use - though they hat admitting it and perhaps consider it apikorsus. Of course, that does not make it untrue...
I will not lie to you or to Hashem or to myself - my years of trying to control and enjoy it prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I feel I need it. Must have it. Must control and enjoy it. Must tame it. But cannot. For whenever I have tried to, it messed up every aspect of my life more and more. So apparently I do not have power over my lust. I can't use it successfully. That's "Powerless". And it feels pretty sad. Incredibly sad, actually.
When people (we) say they can't "beat this addiction", what do they mean by 'beat it', really? I think that while they are fighting it and crying and such, they do not really intend to never enjoy porn and masturbation ever again. Oh, they may think they mean just that, perhaps - but it's a lie...actually it is a fantasy. Ironic. Instead, what they (we) really are trying to do is to control and enjoy it so it can be used as a last resort: when we really feel we really need it. And the fantasy tells us we will eventually figure out how to do that without ending up controlled by it, ever again. To be the master of our own lust. Quite a twist on the 'koveish' from "eizehu gibbor? Hakovesh es yitzro." The koveish captures and masters the enemy - this is our secret hope. And that is why many sexaholics never get sober. Normal Jews can do it - but if one is an addict, that is apparently an impossibility. Too bad, no? Hard to accept. But, nu. Life's tough like that. Sound crazy? Well, all the denial aside, many of us - particularly those who already hate themselves because of all the sperm we have spilled on the ground - have a powerful lust to 'finally' be beloved or special in the eyes of Hashem. Kind of like 'tzaddik envy' - "I need to be one of those supermen, too!"
And just like people often argue endlessly with a certain sibling, child, or parent - the head-banging goes on for years, decades, a lifetime. As though by winning 'this last big argument' or making 'that perfect point' we will finally stop, convince or change them - for decades... It's sick - but we do it because we simply refuse to surrender. We are powerless over others. The other side of Ish b'chet'oh yamus means we are all responsible for ourselves - and that is because G-d knows that nobody can successfulruly control or fix another. All we can do is tochacha - not 'fixing'. They need to fix, and make the decisions they need to make. And that goes for our children, as well. And an addict cannot even fix himself (or herself). No wonder we often strive with others in kiruv, argument, rivalry, resentment... That is just the way it is for many of us..maybe this is the 'why'.
2) "Program living" means using the steps that I worked with my sponsor, to actually live with less pain today, so that I do not need to drink today. If I believe that I need to drink, even G-d will not stop me. He does not. If I do accept that I do not need to drink, then G-d can give me a reprieve from my lust and I can stay sober. It depends on my humility and that's what working the steps is about. Acceptance of His Will for me (my $$, looks, health, intelligence or lack thereof, wife, kids, whatever), and of my true place inside my little corner (family, shul, etc.) of humanity. This comes through working the steps.
Normally, that means that my life will be pretty nice and I will have few temptations - if I use these steps today. "Program living" also means seeing some other people as sick sometimes - as the RMB"M writes in his Shmoneh P'rakim, most people are a bit sick (and he even meant even himself, of course). Our annoyers are often lacking in some skills, some understanding, or some motivations they have are unhealthy. So? We learn how to live with that without having to go on the crusade to fix them. That takes real humility - fortunately only a tiny bit, though! But we can forgive them their errors, for we see our own disease most clearly of all - if we are sober. We know our tendencies, and can be patient with them, pray for them, and even forgive sometimes. Like tefilah Zakah - the Jewish way is to forgive everybody - everybody - and only reserve the right to claim money owed per Bais Din. But no hatred, no blaming, no self-pity. If we want to be healthy and stay sober, those pleasures are just luxuries we can't afford any more. They kill us and make us need to act out. Can't afford them, so don't do them...or at least we do not laguish in them and get help soon to get out of them by making a call or two, writing another mini-4th step on it, and praying for the person we resent to pieces.
"Program living" also means taking actions of love to others - especially toward the ones who annoy us or hurt us. This is the Jewish way, as seen from many stories of Rav Yisroel Salanter and the B'al Shem Tov, and many Chaza"ls, as well. Hashem does this, kevayochol (per the sefer Tomer Devorah by the RaMa"K) all the time. He takes the actions of love giving shefa to us even though we are masturbating our brains out, hurting others, and even though so many humans are hating Him or not believing in Him at all! How do we like being irrelevant to someone we love? Yuck.
But G-d is amazing - Noirah. That's midas haRachamim, the midah of Yaakov Avinu, who called Him "Noirah". Program living is the addict being more like this particular midah of Hashem. It is not necessary for normal frum yidden. Nice...but not necessary. For the addict, he cannot remain sober without it. And that goes for Jew or gentile. Program guys of all walks of life know this.
Finally, I want to share with you a surprise (at least per the AA's) that I learned from my SA sponsor. The program is not for getting us sober. None of the steps are about quitting drinking/sexing. The only step that even mentions the addiction is the 1st - and that's just to get us in the door of living honestly with ourselves, with people, and finally with G-d. So what are they about?
The steps are only about learning how to live so that we can stay sober. That's all they are made for. They enable an addict to tolerate sobriety - with his G-d's help. For, in recovery we finally really see that our drinking/lusting/acting out it was never actually our problem. It was living without them that was our true problem. Sobriety was intolerable. The steps are here to change that.