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Wet Dreams

Monday, 05 September 2016

I hate wet dreams and do not wish them on anyone. But here is what I have been given on that:

I think it is a pretty much just silly pride for me to ever really buy the belief that a guy like me - no matter how much recovery work I ever do - really deserves to sleep free of wet dreams. I have viewed and used enough porn and fantasy and acted out plenty. I haven't the power - nor the responsibility - to get totally rid of the stash in my brain! I do not access it - but it is there, I guess, and that is OK! I have found that I can be sober (and often even happy) anyway! It is truly a brocha that I have not had a wet dream in something over ten years, I think... through no credit to me, of course.

When I feel vulnerable to one, I realize that the fear of it is the strongest cause of a wet dream that there can ever be (as is written in s'forim hk'), so I avoid saying cool segulos and complex incantations c"v... that stuff feels like plain old avodah zorah, for me. I like to depend on G-d, not on the words of tehillim, incantations, etc., c"v. So I tell Him like this: "Dearest Tatty, I am afraid of having a sexual dream tonight. I lusted so much in the past years, months, and days, and I do not fool myself to think I deserve any better. That is why I am depending on Your Chessed, which you have plenty of, I hear."

And I tell Him that I trust Him and that I would be so happy if He would help me sleep with no lust tonight and then wake up refreshed and happy to be His imperfect kid.

And then I smile (seriously - that's very important. My best Friend is watching over me, what's there not to smile about?), lie down (on my side of course, cuz I am not an idiot) and trust Him 100% - cuz fear while I am right in His face is just silly. He loves me to pieces, even though I am a lust addict. Just as He loves everybody else, even though they are whatever they are. I like saying Adon Olam after that, preferably in my own words in English, then in Hebrew. It ends with the same idea as the above, exactly. Adon Olam is a sweet, beautiful gift from Him to me.