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We are really fighting ourselves

Sunday, 25 March 2012

There is nothing in the world as beautiful, precious and insightful as the experience of old-time strugglers like Dov, who have seen the truly ugly side of the addiction, hit bottom, and yet come all the way back as heroes in shining armor! And when we can learn from their hard-earned experience, we ultimately save ourselves the need to have to experience it all ourselves, G-d forbid.

Dov posts:

It is true that Hashem does not put us in a nisayon that we cannot get out of. However, the timeline and success is not always as we expect it to be.

It seems to me that you are concerned with having the ability to withstand the taavoh and not do the aveiros. Now, if we had diabetes or a mental disease and a doctor would recommend immediate medical treatment, most of us would do it. No?

Well, in my case (as in the case of many addicts), it was not so simple. Rabbi/Dr Twersky told me I needed a 12-step fellowship already years before I actually ended up joining one. The reason I didn't listen to him back then, was because it seemed too outrageous to make such major changes in my schedule and lifestyle. Also, compromising my secrecy (mainly from my wife) was too scary to risk. Unfortunately, I needed to get much, much worse, until joining a 12-Step group seemed like - OUCH - a fair deal.

I have been sober in SA since then.

The point I am trying to pass on, is that just because this problem involves aveiros, and just because it is a major nisayon of our time (as many tzaddikim have told us), and just because it may have started out as a rather common teenage problem, does not mean that it is not a true sickness.

If we slipped and broke a leg for example, would we think: "Hey, I don't have the kochos to overcome this! I can't even walk! How could Hashem have done this to me!"? Probably not. We'd get treatment, and then use our kochos hanefesh to push ourselves to heal and strengthen the leg. And we would also deal with the behavioral issues and nisyonos that having a broken leg might have brought up for us (such as: patience with others, not whining, over-seclusion and over-dependence on others, etc.).

Well in our case, it is a sickness too. And the sickness causes us to do aveiros. And we often do not have the power to beat our diseased thinking and engrained behavioral patterns.

I needed a fellowship, meetings, phone calls, 12 steps, and lots of stepwork in writing. And I continue to need all those after many years. I have never beaten my Yetzer Hara in any way, as far as I am aware. Instead, Hashem has given me a "free pass". But it's not really free though, because the price I need to "pay" is being his servant to the best of my ability.

As soon as I start to compromise on my integrity with my wife, children and fellow man, I start to become aware that I am not living in an honest relationship with Hashem anymore, and I need to take steps to correct that immediately.

But it is only Hashem that deals with my Yetzer Hara, as far as I am concerned.

 

If I understand what Dov is saying here correctly, he is saying that instead of dealing with the Yetzer Hara, he leaves that completely to Hashem to deal with, and instead focuses only on being an eved Hashem and living a life of complete integrity. And when he does that, Hashem gives him a "free pass" and takes away the Yetzer Hara from him. This is so profound!!


Dov posts things on the forum sometimes, that might not make full sense to everyone at first glance. But that's because he is sharing what he "earned" through so many years of sincere determination, and not all of us can relate to his level. There's a treasure trove of experience in his words, and I have found that if we are willing to try and understand what he is saying carefully, we can learn some of the deepest secrets of how to remain sober and achieve true serenity:


Dov writes:

Whenever I have a fantasy, I turn to Hashem as quickly as possible and say "Help Tatty!"; and then I move right on to my business and say Thank-You as soon as I realize that the struggle is way behind me somewhere. Where did it go? I cannot afford to turn back and analyze whether I did it or Hashem did it, or if my heart is purified or not. The heck with my heart! Let Hashem take care of it. The only thing that concerns me whenever I'm in any trouble is: "am I doing what Hashem wants right now?" Later, when I feel no struggle (that might be in the next hour, day, or month) I can afford to go back and look at it, sometimes.

The answer my life has been teaching me to the question of "who are we fighting in this struggle?" is: we are really fighting ourselves. Only with help can we succeed. As long as I dug my heels in and insisted that I was engaged with the Yetzer Hara, my behavior just got worse. I had more secrets from the people (I acted like) I was close with, and that was living a lie. Hashem obviously does not want me to live a lie and trick my wife for the sake of Teshuvah! That NEVER occurred to me, as the preciousness and importance of fighting this struggle far overshadowed everything else in my life. (Even my learning and davening was focused on it 90% of the time). It never occurred to me that Avodas Hashem (divine service) is not supposed to be a heavy package to bear! (There is a beautiful Dubno Maggid parable to this effect, that Hashem's "package" is not a heavy one. It isn't supposed to be "hard to be a Jew". But often we make it such!)

Once it became clear to me that I was quite nuts, I got the help that the fellowship and 12 steps offer, and I learned how to become simply honest with my problem and accepting of Hashem's help in an uncomplicated and basic way. I simply couldn't do it before, even though I was asking for it frequently from Hashem! Everything was a deep and profound religious issue for me then!

 

Ahron asks Dov on the forum:

When you say "Everything was a deep and profound religious issue for me then!" do you mean that it was an impediment to true recovery?

 

Dov Answers Ahron:

Yes, it was a big impediment. As our sages have said: "Lo hamedrash haikkar, ellah hamaaseh - the main thing is not the philosophy, but rather the doing". This applies more to addicts than to anyone else perhaps.

Rule #62 of AA is: "Don't take yourself so damn seriously". It takes lots of tefilla and siyata dishmaya to get better at focusing on doing what needs to get done for others and for myself, without getting lost in the reasons, motivations, and outcomes. Yes, I need to take what I do very seriously, but not myself. Pick anyone else who needs you, and take them and their needs more seriously, and you'll get more sobriety -and have more fun, too! This takes siyata dishmaya and I don't really understand how it works, but it sure makes a person more effective!

Relationships with others become very frustrating for both parties when too much emphasis is given to details like:

  • "what I am really thinking?"
  • "am I really a tzaddik or a rasha?"
  • "what is the deeper meaning of what I/they did?"
  • "why did I/they do that in the past?
  • "what will be in the future?"
  • etc...

Does that make sense to you? Is this addressing what you were asking at all?

Uh-oh! Am I taking this too seriously? Ahhhhhhh!!!


Dov writes:

I try to keep in mind that all the tricks, advice, pesukim and chizuk are "tools" and half-measures. They help, but only partially. My hope and wish for people, is that they do not unnecessarily delay the real solution. The only "full measure" that works for me is learning how to lean on Hashem in trust.

But really doing that, requires much more than religiosity. Even Mesiras Nefesh is often not enough for the long-term, because it can be guilt or fear-driven.

I was like a scared rabbit before the Yetzer Hara for years! Hashem does not want a "nation of scared rabbits", he wants a nation of Kohanim, as it says "And you shall be for me a Mamleches Kohanim and a holy nation". (The Kabbalistic texts explain that Kohanim represent "givers" and "leaders" - from the chesed side)!

The solution that really seems to help people get free of this mess, is a much easier and more natural connection with Hashem. But this has a big price. It requires honesty, acceptance of the truth about myself, and it leads to sanity.

Derech eretz Kodmah le'Torah. Perek 1-5 of Pirkei Avos come before Perek 6 on Torah.

These basics of sanity though, are often bought with considerable pain, as we tend fight against them for some reason - some of us to the last man, and some of us until we are just sick and tired ("hitting bottom")... But once sanity started to get its little foot in the door of my mind, the Torah and Mitzvos slowly started to function correctly as well (that took time, and is for another topic.) The intensity and frequency of the tests reduced, and I started to lead a single, not a double, life.

And today, I sincerely believe that this is the most important thing Hashem wants for me, rather than being real frum and yet completely unable to maintain a shred of integrity and self-respect at the same time.

 

Dov wrote: "it requires honesty, acceptance of the truth about myself, and it leads to sanity". Ahron asks:

I try very hard to be honest and accept the truth about myself. But I don't know what it is?!! I don't know if my self assessment is accurate, or if I'm taking this too far or not far enough. How do you figure this out?

Thanks for sharing the lessons you've learned the hard way... Hopefully it will help us avoid some of the same mistakes.

 

Dov Answers Ahron:

You are probably doing fine for now, you just aren't aware of it. But here is my two cents:

I found that writing my whole acting-out history; writing the fourth step as AA (the four columns) recommends, and doing the other steps with a sponsor and with friends (through the fellowship), has led me - and continues to lead me (I hope!), to gaining honesty and living honestly.

I suggest davening a few times a day:

  • to be led only on the right path;

  • to be protected from lying and from falsehood in general;

  • to be protected from accepting counterfeit happiness (lust, hollywood, approval from others, etc.) instead of the real thing;

  • for Hashem to show us what the real thing is;

  • and for honesty.

And be aware that the very best Hashem will probably give us, is just a little bit more honesty that we already have. It seems to me, that if He gave it all to us in one "birthday present", we wouldn't be able to handle it! Or more likely, we wouldn't know what to do with it.

I hope that helped!

P.S. Remember, this journey is the big game - it's the only real game in town. And it is really, really precious, and so, it takes time. Lots of time...

- Dov

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