The joy is great, and so the pain. 15 years of desperate cries, with no answer. At last there is a light to be seen at the end of the tunnel. 15 years of trying every method in the books. 15 years of having a double life. 15 years of silence and being hopeless. 15 years of hiding the truth (even from myself). It only took me deeper and deeper into this mess. It started at age 12 with magazines, then dialup internet, then high-speed shmutz. I can't believe myself sitting here and typing these words. It feels unreal. I can't believe how the innocent young boy turned out this way. I was the quiet kid, who was nice, with good grades, observant and always tried my outmost to keep all the laws. It took months of work from Dov to convince me of this new reality. I was still under the previous impression of being that innocent boy, but I am not anymore. I am sick. I have a disease. I have an addiction. I need special treatment, and can't live life the way others do. Besides, I don't even know how to get out of it. I only know this fact. I have a Father in Heaven, who created me, knows me, made me with all my problems, and He cares for me more than anyone else. He knows how to treat me. I ask of Him every day to help me. Whenever I get stuck, I ask Him to help me, since I have no other hope. I have no one else to turn to and just cry. No one else understands what's even going on with me. After 15 years I have found a road.
It took 5 months of just going to 12 step fellowship to just understand this much. I have much more to understand and work on.
I have wasted 15 valuable years; the best of my life. There couldn't be any worse news that one could tell me. I have killed those years. I have changed my destiny with my own hand. Is there any pain greater than this?
But dear friends, there is one good news. I have seen people much worse than myself heal. People who have been with prostitutes, abused physically, raped, drug addicts and drug dealers. There is hope in the 12 step fellowships. There was nothing greater for me than seeing men who have done it all come and admit that they wish they would have never done what they did. It didn't do anything for them. They lost all that's good because of it.
Before you know it time flies. It's up to us to choose how it will pass.