One of the most inspirational members of our Forum is a guy named Dov (see his story here). He is sober in SA for 11 years and continues to join SA meetings until today. He often posts how the 12-Steps help him remain sober and live with Hashem day by day, but he never really gave us a glimpse into his personal Avoda - and he probably never would have - if not for a recent post on the forum.
One of the well meaning Tzadikim on our forum, who himself recovered without the 12-Steps, by using a lot of hard work and a deep understanding of the proper attitude in this struggle, posted the following about Dov:
I cry for a holy neshama that for 11 years feels like he still needs his Roman Catholic sponsor to help him be human. After whatever time it takes to break the cycle, it's time to GROW!
Dov believes in SA philosophy, which says that he needs to continuously concentrate on preserving his humanity. For preserving humanity, a Roman Catholic sponsor is indeed appropriate. But a Jew should be able to move beyond "preserving his humanity"!
All the sins are caused by the Yetzer Hara who has become "baal-habayis", but once we evict him, we can begin to soar. The very best way - according to the Torah - to effect the sinner positively, is to get him to understand that he is holy!
What I am about to share with you is not tooting my horn at all, with Hashem's help. It is to let people who may not understand, become aware of what it is like for this sexaholic yid to have a Roman Catholic sponsor and still be going to meetings and using the steps, while in the twelfth year of Hashem's gift to me of recovery from all-consuming addiction to lust.
Before and during the years I was acting out, I was exposed to yiddishkeit (a product of Modern Orthodox day school, Yeshiva high, etc) and I was always a bit attracted to frum people, feeling that there was an answer there, to something...
I cried at NCSY sing-alongs and felt a strong "deveikus-like" thing in me; went to Yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel after high, and stopped masturbating for two years, except for one or two times during the summer while at home in the U.S. When I got married it got much worse, as I described a bit in my first post. Look at it if you want to get to know me any better... I'd be glad to describe the details of my behaviors in addiction privately if you'd like, but this is not the best venue for the gory details.
Anyhow, after starting SA in 1997 - and I'll fast forward to the past five years, as my avodah began to warm up. I was still going to meetings and using the steps I had worked, in my daily life. My sponsor shared how he worked them with me. He is now more of a friend than a "sponsor" (as his sponsor now is to him). I have many program friends, sponsees, etc, and I get and make recovery calls many times throughout the day. I do not see any advantage in pretending that I "got back on some kind of track" and that now I am OK, because I have experienced that my "allergy" to lust has not gone away. But I am free of lust almost all the time B"H, and my focus is on living with Hashem, as I'll elaborate on in a bit. I go to one meeting a week.
Over the past 6-7 years, my avoda got a boost from my finally going deeper into sfas emes, bnei yisoschar, and divrei chayim. This occurred around the same time that I had a little trouble with lust and finally started to work the steps into my daily life more seriously. Gemorah and TU"R have become more of a success over the past three years since I joined a Dirshu morning program (initially with an SA chavrusa!). I B"H gravitated toward kisvei Ariza"l with a chevra learning them in my neighborhood, and I began finding deeper meaning in my davening. This is in consonance with the 12-Step program concepts as well, Boruch Hashem. This was bolstered with Shaarei Ramchal for already 3 years now; and my chavrusa and I should be moving to Kla"ch soon, Be"H.
I was moved to start wearing Rabeinu TamTefillin about a year ago, and I find going to the Mikvah a great experience. I ask a Tzadik in my neighborhood for advice regularly and surrounded myself with experts on chumash, mussar and kaballah as much as possible. For the past two years I have been going through much of the Shelo Hakodosh on the parsha and sharing ideas from him with friends and family when I can. My physical relationship with my wife, as well as my relationship with all people, has been growing in ways that I see described in the seforim, thank G-d, and it is exhilarating. I am mostly able to be motivated by being useful to others, rather than by getting/taking. Enough said there.
My experience has been, that either I grow and change, broadening and deepening in avodah, or there is no point to it all. I perceive a force more powerful than I can understand, drawing me closer to Hashem. Still, I feel at peace most of the time. Because of being awakened by the steps, I want above all else to live with and be useful to people, more than ever before, yet be alone with Hashem all the time. My formerly very "self-centered" avodah never allowed me to do that, even though I was convinced I was a "kadosh". In fact, before the steps, the idea that I was intrinsically a "kodosh" was a tremendous ball and chain for me. It made failure so much more disappointing.
And please consider not assuming that "if only someone would have explained to me what it really all means, I'd have been "OK". That is not my experience. For most sexaholics and alcoholics I know, the holier they think they are, the worse and more depressed or pompous they get. I know what you really mean (which is that a Jew should see his intrinsic holiness as a great honor / responsibility), I just believe you can TELL addicts about it (or even convince them that they SHOULD believe it), but you cannot CONVINCE them that it is REALLY TRUE. This is a concept non-addicts do not ever seem to grasp.
Finally, I have been able, for the most part, to avoid looking at "normal" yidden who do not seem to need the depth and intensity of a relationship with Hashem as unfortunate. I also avoid shoving my perceived awareness in their face by asking them, for example, why they say brachos in a rush, as opposed to they way we'd say "thank-you" to anyone real. You know, stuff like that...
I have seen others give this "mussar" as though it was their own. It is not pretty, and it's unhealthy for me to pretend I deserve any awareness I got through my addiction/recovery. They were all free gifts and will stay that way. And I assume I'll lose them (along with my sobriety) if I forget that and start acting as if they are truly mine.
So I ask you, what more should I expect from myself, a sexaholic? I am sure we can all do better - me most of all - folks. But do you really still think I need to be cried for, and that the fact that I look up to a Roman Catholic man for sharing his sanity with me is hindering me?
Finally, I do not accept that my addiction to lust should be described in terms of "aveiros" and the "Yetzer Hara" as you describe it. I choose to just live right today, and I rely on Hashem to make the Tikunim. Yes, it is clear that recovery has lead me on what - in retrospect - the sforim describe as Teshuvah. But I choose not to "understand" the process that much, and leave it to Hashem.