SEEMINGLY GETTING NOWHERE
I feel silly that although I am a veteran on Duvid Chaim's calls, when I'm on the street, my eyes dart everywhere, and this doesn't seem to have changed at all. Every once in a while I have some sort of realization, and it gets better for a day or two, but it never has lasted. Supposedly, this acting out is covering up some sort of pain. But WHAT PAIN? There is nothing so obvious, this just feels habitual.
TRYING TO LOOK INWARDS INSTEAD OF OUTWARDS
I decided I'm going to try NOT TO LOOK OUTWARDS, and instead, TRY TO LOOK INWARDS. TRY TO FEEL MY PAIN, if there is any.
Then, I realized, the 12 steps are like homeopathic medicine. Instead of covering up the symptoms, we let the real sickness come to the surface so that we can get rid of it.
Duvid Chaim is always talking about becoming more aware of our perceptions and motives. I understood that, a big part of this, is to realize when we're feeling negative emotions-heading down hill on the way to acting out. We need to keep tabs on our feelings, and reach out for help instead of reaching for our drug.
FINDING AN EMOTIONAL CENTER OF BALANCE
But, recently, I realized that being aware of our perceptions and motives, in a deeper sense, is to BE IN TUNE WITH OURSELVES. I feel that my eyes, and my mind, are darting everywhere, looking for something that I'm missing. BUT, I can be STILL, be calm, be at peace with myself. I felt like something inside me came into alignment which has been out of wack all my life. AND THAT WAS THE PAIN!!! Like something turned on that has always been turned off. A sense of inner peace and tranquility. As if I have found, finally, an EMOTIONAL CENTER OF BALANCE. Like my mind has finally tuned into my heart. I can be at rest, my mind can be at rest. It can stop racing. It can just BE. I can just BE. Duvid Chaim has mentioned, "Feeling comfortable in your own skin," and I think I have just finally felt what this means.
And, it feels GOOD. Until now, I thought that the 12-steps just helps keep the RID at bay; so as not to feel stressed out. But, it was just the absence of negative feelings. But, now I see that it's not just pushing away the RID. It's TUNING IN to your heart, and finding peace and tranquility and happiness and contentment there.