The charatah is finally kicking in..... I am on the verge of tears.... what will I say to the Borei Olam? What will be left of me?What will I take with me to the next world? Tatte!! "oy lee vay lee... oy lee miyom hadim, oy lee miyom hatocheicha..." I shed many tears today...
The G-d I know, patted me on the head one day and helped me see that:
... I need not be afraid of chadrei chadorim any more - because I invite others into it when I openly admit the truth about my behavior in (safe) meetings.
... I need not worry about whether I have charata or not - because the ikkar was 'chosair min haseifer' all the years that I had the charata. Today I've got the ikkar... I am sober today.
... I can really trust Him (at least sometimes!) to give me what I need when I need it. And that includes charata as much as it includes intimacy and sex (and they are both parts of avodas Hashem, so I won't say "l'havdil"...)
... I can't pay much attention to my aveiros - I can look at Hashem instead. (I've embarked on the path of shivisi Hashem lenegdi somid, rather than the path of vechatosi negdi somid. I need to do what works for me.
... When I do what I need to do, Hashem will help me lose the secrets and lies; get the charata; get the love; and be mekayem "vechatosi negdi somid" - somehow too.
... I screwed up running my life, and I even screwed up doing teshuvah - but it's gonna be OK because now I am finally learning how to work for a different Employer than me.
... All the charata and years of sobriety or kedusha in the world is not worth a single moment of comfortable subservience to Hashem's Will. He is the Boss. Once we accept that, He seems to allow all the weight of the garbage to slip off us. We then start to see lust (and our aveiros) as something that doesn't define us any more. We actually grow from it.
And that is the experience of most recovering people I have met.
So take it easy, trust a little, get the heck out of His way, and go one step at a time, chaver.
After re-reading my post, I just wanted to add:
The trick is to accept that this stuff can actually be done incrementally. It's weird, but true. Every addict I know has discovered that he can actually get a little bit better today - even though that seems like we are just being louder hypocrites! But we discover that we aren't hypocrites if we admit that we are just unable to be totally honest, change Employers and finally give our lives to Hashem, etc., etc....now.
Part of us screams that it's either all or nothing... and that is a lie. So be brave enough to seem hypocritical and take one measly step today with all of us.