Hashem really loves me and knows what is truly best for me. Once I truly internalize this I will be able to live more cleanly. Does anyone have any tips on how I can lower my ego? I literally have a HUGE ego. It's sickening. It is probably the single most detrimental component of my personality that causes me to stumble and fall repeatedly.
I was told that the Kotzker asked, "If the doors are always open for tears, then why are there doors at all?" He answered that they do close - for tears about shtus. May all our tears be over reality and with hachno'oh, rather than all about our sadness, c"v.
If anyone works the 12 steps and still has a lot of ego left, they didn't work them right (based on Chuck C.'s "A New Pair of Glasses", on Joe & Charlie's talks on AA Recovery, and on Harvey's A.'s recorded talks for SA).
So you are in good company. Now get to work with a chevra. Feeling like a piece of garbage and crying over "how far I am" is most-likely not going to help me get any better. In fact, it's probably just my ego: I figure that I am such a great guy that any lack of perfection is just beneath me and tragic... Instead, it sounds like you are learning a more realistic perspective that accepts your limitations and that Hashem is aware that you need work and will help you grow past the craziness. Sounds good to me. Just get to work, OK?