I've been slipping a lot lately, doing things and going places I know shouldn't. It's so hard to fight this addiction. I feel a desperate need inside me for a loving and intimate relationship. I wanted to know what you think about marriage. It's been on my mind lately, I turned 20 recently, and I don't necessarily feel emotionally ready to get married, and my parents think that I'm still immature. But on the other hand, I've got this high hormonal drive and a desperate need for love. I don't know what to do.
GYE Answers:
Dear fellow addict,
We understand you well. You have a deep subconscious need for love, closeness, and for someone to fill the loneliness and the "hole" you feel in your heart. But it is important to understand that having a girlfriend or even a wife, doesn't fill this void. We all thought it would, but when we get married we see that it's not the way we thought it would be at all. Instead of "getting" all that we thought we needed, we end up having to "give" of ourselves and understand someone who doesn't think like us and has very different needs. And the lust that we thought would finally be fulfilled, is never ever satisfied. The "true love" that can come from marriage has to be worked for slowly, and as we grow in recovery and in "selflessness", the love grows along with us.
The pain you feel and the needs you have are very real. But they can only be filled when we bring Hashem into our hearts. Hashem is the ONLY ONE who can truly fill the void and neediness that we have. If you can find the time, I suggest reading through this recent thread, from top to bottom, and pressing on the links that I posted there (in reply #4). There you will learns some of the beautiful tactics on how to turn the love and longings of our hearts towards Hashem.
Also, I highly suggest reading the SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anon) pamphlet. These are people who felt - and feel - EXACTLY as you do, and they slowly learned the hard and painful way that they will NEVER find - and NEVER get - what their subconscious mind craves so much; not through love, nor through lust, and not even through marriage. ONLY Hashem can ultimately fill this void. May we truly find Him now.
Dear friend,
You post openly and clearly about the hole in yourself, and you seem to believe you are an addict. Me too, so let's talk...
If you read some of my posts on the forum, they are never about fighting at all. They're about struggling to LIVE, yes, but not about beating - winning - or fighting against anything.
Lust was my buddy, my anchor and my guide in a painfully confusing world. Basically, it was my god. I served it privately and daily without fail, for many years. And right through the middle of all that, I discovered and hung onto yiddishkeit, sensing it had something I needed. Something real.
I'm not here to tell you anything new about yiddishkeit though. I don't believe you need to hear "just the right vort" at all. You posted once that you have already spoken to lots of Rabbanim etc, about this and related issues. I assume they mostly told you what you'd expect to hear, no? For me, predictability is now a sort of litmus test. I guess you know what I mean. Maybe I'm cynical.
So I'll tell you something that may not be predictable.
I got married too early (so did she) and I had a rotten time of the sexuality (so did she). I grew into a guy who acted out - or struggled with not acting out - full time (she didn't). The struggle unfortunately defined my avodas Hashem too, at the time.
I eventually got sober with Hashem's help using the 12 steps (my story is here).
Me and my wife were fighting often during most of the years before sobriety, and only after 1.5 years of hell in sobriety did our boat started to even out its keel. The next few years were full of natural growth, as individuals and as a couple. Oh, yeah - and also full of just plain "quiet" too, for a change. We are so intimate now, and still getting closer. We are really sharing a life. We understand each other in the physical parts of intimacy too now, and we are able to really enjoy this for the first time.
Now this is happening even though my wife has no connection to recovery, no association with any program, and is quite different than I am spiritually. For the first ten years of marriage I never expected to ever see what we have now. Frankly, I thought I had screwed up in marrying her at all; I even had two panic attacks over it. She didn't understand. But now I have the rest of myself and am at rest. I don't need to drool over her and she doesn't need to worship me. We are not fighting either, cuz we get plenty of each others attention without fighting. And all those years I was sure I'd eventually die an old and lonely man, filling a hole in the ground with my own bigger hole...
I'm telling you all this, if you are still reading this long megillah, because I know what a difference sanity resulting from simple sobriety means to having a happy marriage and a happy life. Simple sanity finally allows marriage and life to fill that hole we felt; that need for true connection and "togetherness" that sex and lust can never fill. As an addict, I could not get it without sobriety and the 12-steps.
Now, I do not condone acting out in any way (ha, not that I matter! and who am I to talk for G-d?) but perhaps the only thing that will truly convince an addict that his hole won't be filled with what he is lusting after, is trying it over and over until he gives up trying (if he's still alive). I've heard sober recovering alkies say, "it took each and every drink I took, to get me where I am today". That is the way it was for me. I hope you are better or "luckier" than I was, and can "hit bottom while still on top". I caused a lot of wreckage for myself and others, but I could have done a lot more. Finally, I gave up and got help. Now, Hashem, my Best and Eternal Friend, helps me out daily and - well, you know how it is...
My wife and I have two "sobriety babies" now (babies born after I got sober). One is six and the other three. Our first three kids had it rough - and they know it. But they see a completely different home now. Too bad we all had to wait for it so long.
Maybe a 20 year old like you can get the help to "even his keel" before adding another person to your boat.
Whatever your journey looks like, we hope you will let us be a part of it.
Love,
Dov