So yes, I am past 90 days - but believe it or not, I also need a little Chizuk!
1) It's not fun any more.
2) There is no WAR.
3) The "C" bomb: Complacency
4) I want shmutz, but I really don't want it, but I really do, yet I really don't.
While I await chizuk, I will get up front in my cab, fire up the old engine and KEEP ON TRUCKIN!!!
Just a reality check first. My wife just called me to let me know that an old friend of mine just lost his wife from a sudden illness, R"l. All I can say is boruch Dayan ha'emess while my heart drips tears. Hashem must know exactly what He is doing. Gevalt, Gevalt. How is a person supposed to go on bichlal? I have no idea, no idea. May Hashem give him superhuman strength, show him love from people that goes way beyond normal, and shine into his heart that is breaking open and somehow give him the ability to stay sane and be His eved. Please Hashem, help this man remember his children and all the other riches he has in this life and have some kind of a nechoma.. I don't know what else to say, and I keep stopping to cry.. Please. May the folks on GYE, Hashem's sensitive bunch with beautiful hearts, daven for this man.
I'm going to go home be"H as soon as I'm done with GYE and say Hi to my wife and try to tell her how I feel about her being my partner here and in the hereafter. Better yet, I'll spend less time that I want to on GYE and go home to her a bit early. Actions speak louder than words...
(I actually wrote the below earlier but couldn't finish it until after unburdening my heart and so I put the reality check first because something told me it was min haShomayim, maybe to help you somehow, or just to share it and help me somehow... what's the difference?)
As far as it not being fun anymore, it goes both ways for an addict. The schmutz is no longer fun, as the AA's say, "being a drunk ruins your drinking" (i.e. the results of indulging ruin the indulging too!). Yeah, it won't be fun any more. I commiserate. And as far as recovery not being fun is concerned, yeh, recovery gets real boring until I get a fire lit under my tush by complacency, and then the struggle begins - and suddenly it's fun again! (not). It's amazing what a challenge it is to actually find a real big chunk of wood in shark-infested waters after a shipwreck! And looking for it is just riveting (and exciting)! No? Hmm... well, maybe not so "fun", technically....
As far as "I want, blah, blah...", it's OK (not good, just OK) to want it. We, of all Hashem's people, need to go easy on ourselves when we do. And our response needs to be a little smile and a "well.....there I go again! heh, heh.." and call someone (or post) about it as soon as possible. It means nothing. Absolutely nothing. If we struggle or incriminate ourselves "for stooping so low!" then we are dead. We need to view it just as a blip, bump, or bleep. Probably more like a bleep.... and then get straight back to what we were doing before we got distracted.
I love you, bardy (but not a scratch of a scratch as much as Hashem does!)
- Dov