For once I feel like I have made some progress in this battle - after over a decade of failure.
The most amazing thing happened to me today. I had a day off and I was reading the White Book (I can relate to it more than the 12 Steps AA book.) I really tried to internalize it. I made notes for myself. I spoke to Hashem from the bottom of my heart. It really gave me a lot to think about.
Later today, I was in a store and there were 2 pretty women next to me. I got one look at them and the lust hit me, to the point that the fantasies started, I felt my knees starting to buckle. I quickly walked off to the side of the store to just breathe and to get a hold of myself. And then a bunch of things clicked at once, and I realized- I'm not interested in these women I see at all. I'm interested in imagining my own pleasure with them - not for who they are as people, but just as objects for my lust. This is "object-ifying" them, in the truest sense of the word. And it's the same with the thousands of porn actresses and models I've lusted over - I could care less about them, they have just been imaginary sexual conquests to my mind.
This probably wasn't a smart move, but I then took another look at the ladies. And I didn't see 2 imaginary lust partners that I saw the minute before. I saw 2 people - one a devoted wife, the other a smiley girl in her early twenties going shopping. Both just going about their daily life in the world. Yes, they were pretty, but that's not WHO they are. They are people like me, and for me to view them as my imaginary sexual conquests, is to live in a delusional and poisonous (to me) fantasy world.
And two more times during the day when I saw pretty girls, I made myself stop and think. Yes, I find them naturally attractive - but they are not mine to lust over. They are people - just like me - people with hopes, feelings and aspirations. To lust over them like they are some cutouts from a porno magazine is a selfish outlook on the world. It's an outlook that revolves around my desires and wants and treats everyone else like mere sexual items to me.
The addiction caused me to get this twisted outlook that I've had for all these years, where every female is just a tool for my sexual desires. Have I gotten rid of it for good? I don't claim to. But I do know that this was the biggest step I think I have ever taken in terms of dealing with lust....