I don't care about my life. I just fell hard again. I could have called out for help......I CHOSE to fall all the way because it feels much better. If you're gonna fall, might as well fall all the way..... I give him so many chances and he takes the stupidest choice. What a dumb human..... I assure you, that of anyone on the forum, I am probably THE MOST MESSED UP..... Get a life! Geta life! Getalife! Getalife - you stupid idiot. Stop worshipping your pen**. I am dead.
That was beautiful, and, of course, I can't say I actually have pity for you, for I have been there by my own hand, as well.
"Chose to fall"? I seriously doubt you there. But hey - I can afford to be brutally honest with you now because with such self-loathing how could I possibly insult you? Hah.
Should you actually muster up all his "courage" and "strength" not to fall, I venture to ask: "would you still fall flat on your face, eventually?" Is this a negative attitude? I think not. I was convinced that I was the worst of the worst, too - but have a great life now, nonetheless. The hopelessness of finding real help was nonsense. So in my own case, the whole self-pity thing is pure BS. It's just another way we try to protect our right to keep acting out with lust - "we can't do any better cuz we suck"... it's a lie. With help, we can. On the condition that we give up insisting that we need to be the one's doing it. The folks who totally misunderstand the "I'm powerless over lust/alcohol/whatever" idea, totally miss the point and think that such an admission boils down to a "heter". Actually, it's quite the opposite, and in their hearts I believe they are just too chicken to accept that a real way out actually exists! The idea of actually saying goodbye to this crap scares the hell out of them. I know because it happened to me. A gripping fear of missing out on finally getting my lust fulfillment was always under my skin....
So, if you really feel that badly about yourself and about "worshiping your penis", if you really are disgusted by the person you think you see in the mirror, then I'd say, "Hey - might as well give up on your ego and "self-respect" all the way (as I had to) and meet with other penis-temple drop-outs - who don't act out anymore!
Instead of just saying it, actually treat yourself as "THE MOST MESSED UP" around, and get your butt to a meeting - or whatever else you believe might help. That is, unless you really can hate yourself a bit more. In that case, take your sweet time! I did!
If you really think you are worse than the rest of us on the forum, then I say forgo the ego-protection of virtuality on the forum - and go to either an SA meeting nearest you, or whatever other help your heart tells you is out there, today. Throw away the fear and the squeamish shame that may have been holding you back from your medicine. Whatever recovery tool you are protecting yourself from, it's high time you gave up and got to it, man. How much more are you willing to take?
Love,
Dov