Someone wrote an e-mail to Dov:
Dov, I read the Big Book and 'the 12 and 12' on the 3rd step. I was also on the call this morning but couldn't talk because I was with other people... I have a difficulty with step 3 when trying to put it into action, perhaps you can help: The third step says:"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him". Doing Hashem's will 24/7 is a really really high madreiga. As a frum Jew in a very Yeshivish affiliation of Judaism, this means learning every spare minute, no bitul zman, learning halahcha, mussar etc. davening 3 times a day with a minyan, from brochos all the way through to the end, etc. My point is, that right now, I do none of those things, I can hardly get up for shachris, and to all of a sudden do G-d's will 24/7 with the way I understand G-d's will to be, is kind of impossible. So I'm stuck with not doing G-d's will. I hope you get my point.
Dov Responds (part 1):
Dear Yid,
The point you raise really touches a nerve for me. Many struggle with this, I am sure.
Years before I knew what being 'an addict' meant, while I was a bochur in yeshivah in EY, I discovered the Mesilas Yeshorim. I loved it from the start. He was so clear, so straight. "This was going to help me and give me the clarity I craved so that I could quit muddling through this life and finally learn how to become really Good." I do not mean this critically nor to poke fun at my naivete. The feelings were genuine and precious, a window into my soul. A very muddy window, but a window nonetheless. The mere fact that I sensed within me a real yearning to strive for Truth and Goodness was encouraging. Sort of like Pinocchio, I discovered that I was a 'real Jew'! I learned the sefer with hispaylus and tried to make it the context of my days. I lived in it. It was a beautiful period in my life, though it didn't last very long.
That year went on, and when I got to the chapters about N'kiyus, something started to bother me....and somewhere in the beginning of P'rishus I stopped learning the sefer altogether! Deep in my gut I knew that I just could not keep using this sefer, no matter how great it was. To me, RMCH"L's characterization of hachasidus ha'amiti being rachok mitzi'ur sichleinu, was an understatement.
I felt absolutely certain that I'd never be able to succeed at what he was proposing to me as the the only real life of a Jew. I was depressed to know that I didn't really want to be that way! It would mean no more bitul-Torah at all, no more chilling...no more fun! It may sound petty to an insensitive purist, but I tell you: I was absolutely terrified at the time. Seeing that I didn't measure up was deeply disappointing (maybe Iwasn't 'a real boy' after all?) and I just ran away rather than face up to that ugliness. Mediocrity and a bit of mindlessness is so much less bothersome. Please don't mistake me...I wanted so much to hold onto what I discovered and to succeed as an enlightened Yid - mediocrity disgusts me - but the extremism and perfection I saw in the RMCH"L was just too much. Sure, I wanted to be close to Hashem, but at what price?
1- Perfection? I was terrified of never being able to ever slack off and never being able to just have some fun. There'd be no room for 'me', at all. And I knew I'd fail at white-knuckling that lifestyle.
2- Living as a failure? Mediocrity? I couldn't stomach that, either! I needed perfection! Funny, maybe, but truly an enigma.
So where can an immature egomaniac (gotta do it my way) with an inferiority complex (mediocrity means I am a failure) go?
I dealt with it back then by closing my Mesilas Yeshorim and not opening it up again. Just hide like a toddler covering his eyes so he cannot see you! Till years later, when Sobriety and Recovery (of all things!) invited me back into a safe relationship with Hashem.
So the way I resolve the problem you raise with the 3rd step (really doing G-d's Will) -is with the 3rd step itself! You see, accepting that Hashem really is the Master means finally accepting that He is also the only One who really knows what's really going on in me. He understands me. He knows me and has a plan for me right where I am (see this idea expressed beautifully in the first piece on parshas Re'ei in "Nesivos Shalom", and in every shtik'l in R' Tzvi-Meyer's shmuess'n). He is not uninformed or 'figuring anything out'. He is aware of my limitations even more than I am aware of them. He has patience and will help me grow from where I am. But in my extremist immaturity, that's not good enough for me...
My pride takes all those motivational 'mechuyav shmuessin' and beats me over the head with shame! Shame - not the Torah - tells me that it's either perfection, or I am a rasha. That sounds extreme, but hey - that is what is really going on inside many of us. It is part of the typical addict tendency: all is either black or white.
If you have any shaychus to kiruv, you'd never tell a ba'al teshuvah that there is no room for imperfection in this religion, would you? So why can't we understand our own development in the same way? Why do we bash ourselves? I think it is a combination of being typical perfectionist addicts - and because we grow up in yeshivah hearing well-meaning shmuessen that tell us we need to tow the party line and live up to a standard of greatness, at all costs. Chumrah and halocha are blurred, for a standard must be upheld. And they are right, of course, for there is a place for that in a growing person. Chumrah can become more precious than halocha itself (see B'nei Yisoschar in a few places). But that just doesn't work very well for the addict. He just doesn't shtim. He is busy with the K'tzos, the Reishis Chochma... and with sex videos, and lusting his brains out. He may call his involvement with the latter, "struggling" not "using" or "being occupied with" them. That makes the stirah tolerable. Somehow his big, very overworked brain strikes a deal - a detente - between the two lives he lives. Eventually, though, the game must end when it no longer works.
Recovery was the (unpleasant) time for me to finally stop running and begin choosing between:
1 - absolutely insisting upon being the man I wanted to be (perfectly frum and naturally respected in the popular yeshivish environment, adored by Hashem, my fellows and my wife in every respect, and powerful) - and masturbating (cuz they apparently inexorably go together)
vs.
2 - accepting my limitations and being the man G-d (the real One, Who is smart, realistic, loving, and patient) wants me to be - and sober!
Choosing #2 means I will need to give up the madness of living a double life without any real intellectual resolution to all my years of struggling to understand why I do this mishega'as. Giving up all my research?!!
But I lost, no? That's step 1. So it's time for shlach al Hashem y'hov'cha and let Hashem.
And that huge job requires me to learn how to be honest with people and with my very own G-d. That is where the 'steps' come in. It also means trying to be open to learning His Will for me and asking for His help to do it imperfectly. Cuz I will always do every mitzvah imperfectly. Even the mitzvah of emunah! I am a man, not a sefer. And a man of G-d is always ready to learn and change, and grow, with his Best Friend's help.
The third step helped me accept that G-d was really interested in me, no matter what I have done - even more than he is interested in the Shulchan Aruch. Yup. The Torah - His Will and Way of Life - is for me. He gave it to me to use it and grow close to Him, not to destroy me. And it is a process. And he knows that. The sefer doesn't, and neither do some learned yidden.
Maturity - growing up emotionally and spiritually - is the main fruit of my Program, besides sobriety. Grown up yidden understand that when they wrote in Pirkei Avos, "never see yourself as a Rasha" they were even talking to Tannaim! Even they were not perfect. Even they could be subject to the temptation to fall into black-and-white thinking and look at themselves as resho'im, c"v, just because of a davar meguneh in their character or over a personal failing. Just because we are not very good in our yir'as Shomayim doesn't take away our beauty in Chesed. Just because we are resentful, fearful, prideful, and lazy, does not mean we are not getting better - and possibly on the very best path of avodas Hashem possible for us (Rav Dessler talks about the nekudas hab'chirah - but we often have too much pride to apply it to ourselves, and only apply it to others!). We can be as close to being tzaddikim as we can be right now, even though yennem is doing so much more. We need to appreciate that in ourselves, and know that Hashem is on our side! (Rav Tzvi-Meyer Zilberberg Shlit"a talks about this n'kudah very often, davka in our imperfection.)
But to us, that is usually not nearly good enough. We say we accept our imperfection, but in our hearts - where the truth is - we do not. We do not allow ourselves any greyness, the room to be imperfectly doing His Will, even though we are just humans - and addicts yet! I feel that our gayva is really quite shocking. We believe b'emunah sh'leimah that Hashem expects us to suddenly be getting to shacharis every day, on time, and with proper kavonoh, this week. We do feel that.
It's nutty. And the Torah is not nutty. So what's sanity? We reach for it using the 3rd step decision.
I see it this way now: My job - the Job that Hashem has for me - is to try to stay sober first - before anything else. For without it, the entire binyan is useless. To keep the halocha, at least at the bottom line halacha - without chumras; to try to work these steps in order to avoid some of the obstacles to sobriety, so that I maintain sanity and a connection with Him this day. Maybe then I will let Him in and actually not trash all the other gifts He gives me, like sobriety, ability to be mekayem mitzvos, my job, and loving other people, just for this day.
I need to learn how to live a sober lifestyle. My awareness of Hashem needs to be one that is real, that has an emotional effect on me. I do not at all refer to davening with tears or not. I am talking about the rest of my life - out of the shul: at work, at the table, in the train - and in the bedroom. It's gotta make a real difference to me that there "is a G-d in the world!" as a great chassidishe yid (the Bardichiver Rebbe) put it. I cannot tolerate too much crazy living - cannot be burning the candle at both ends any more. If Halacha requires that I be at every minyan, on time, and daven with kavonoh, and do everything l'Shem Shomayim.... which it does, then I ask you: who has such expectations? (Do you, of your own children? I hope not!) Did He expect perfection from humans? Well, that's not happening, so what was He expecting? I guess living as a 'Torah yid' must be a process - perfection is not expected of us. "Yehudi hu tamid baderech, ein hu yachol lavo l'shum tachlis - a Jew is always 'on-the-way', he can never reach a goal". We are expected to try. Learning to live with this reality is part of growing up.
And the funny thing is that the rules change as we grow up! More good stuff becomes available to us over time, not less. You can call that stuff 'madreigos', but I think that makes it a game or 'contest' rather than real life. We become more given-over to Hashem and ever more willing to do for Him. For example, not only can I do some good things now that I couldn't do before, but now they flow naturally... they are just part of the way I need to live as the kind of yid I am. No madreigos, just realities. I need to do right, in order to remain honest and (at least somewhat) given-over to Hashem today. Living honestly with Hashem, my very Best, Eternal Friend, even though I am still a work in progress.
I say take it one day at a time, right this minute, and do the best you can to be honest and open with Hashem. Make sobriety your first priority, and do it to open yourself to Him, cuz you can't be open to Him at all if you are wrapped up in lust. It takes us over. Be devoted to the ones you love and that means to be useful to them and to enjoy them. Ask Hashem to help you do as good a job as you can keeping His Torah, and specifically, to help you attend one minyan more on time than you did last week. To do one less stupid thing today than you did yesterday. He knows you are not perfect yet. Don't put him in the same condemming place you might put your own conscience. He only loves you and only wants you to succeed.
I believe that if you do this, you have the very best chance of eventually coming to the state that you are learning without wasting time, always at minyan early and prepared and davening with kavonoh, etc....
I believe that if you do not do this, but stay wrapped up in self-judgement and perfectionism, you will get the exact same results you have been getting for the past few years: a sweet yid who is trying to be perfect, isn't, and hates himself for it. Or, a yid who lives as though Hashem thinks he should be perfect, and hates Hashem for it. In the meantime, we are acting out with lust and screwing our lives up slowly.
Not a nachas ruach, for sure.
I am tired now, and need to go to bed... part of not burning the candle at both ends that I used to do so much, and still often do. G-d help me shut the computer and the lights, brush my teeth, and go to bed like a good yiddeleh right now. Thanks.