I am down in the dumps again. I fell again today (and last night) and just feel like I have no control over my own body or my own life. I know that G-d is watching this whole thing and I can't help but wonder why, if he hates it as much as I do, why he doesn't stop me before I go too far.
Right now, I feel like I'm doomed to porn and m**bation forever... Like I will have no choice but lie to my wife and children (when I someday have them) and to keep pretending to my friends and family. But, in the back of my mind, I know that I am wrong. I believe I will have my 90+ clean streak. All I have to do is keep working on it. Keep picking up my head, smiling to G-d, and telling G-d that even if it looks like He doesn't want a relationship with me - I won't take 'no' for an answer!
You're awesome and beautiful, in my opinion. Please hang in there, never lose hope, and consider focusing at all times on what it is that you are supposed to be doing right now - what is useful. Thinking about "how things are" is just plain useless for me 99% of the time, so I try to avoid it except at certain times and/or when I see that it is likely to bear fruit. And only for a short amount of time, too.
I'm serious. All the cheshbonos about how miserable we are feeling - even if it isn't technically "self-pity" - is usually just useless and so silly. And for us addicts, it's very poisonous. Yes, it feels so normal and even so very important... but it is a lie. It doesn't help. It's just another lie we all seem to get used to. And therefore, like the others, it is painful to break free of it. The pain when avoiding it tends to be misconstrued by our chickeny hearts as proof that we need it - yet another lie...
This is not a sermon, this is how I live. And I'd never be able to remain in recovery today without it.