Aaahhh! i hate this! stupid yetzer! i can't take it anymore! i hate this part of me! wasting my time! making me do stupid things! I'm still trying to break my filter! somebody call me stupid! i wasted another hour tonight on nothing!!!! nobody be nice to me! call me an idiot! please somebody smack me! I'm about to go out to selichos and I'm trying to bust my filter even on a high level, just to get some skin fix!!! AAAAAHHHH!!! i know my attitude stinks!! (read the GYE attitude handbook!!). I need some tough love. stop loving me and tell me I'm a ridiculous idiot!! i want to hear it!! i blocked myself so well, I'm scraping the walls having lust attacks and getting nowhere!!! he's just making me hit my head against a brick wall for nothing!!! this is insanity!!
Dear Yid,
First of all, please be moichel me for liking you so much. I'm really sorry but I can't help myself.
Please consider: Where the heck did you get the idea that NOT doing stupid stuff like lusting, playing with the filter, or whatever, would immediately lead to to happiness? If you want to laugh at yourself, laugh about that.
If you can accept that you were not only lusting out of habit, but also to comfort yourself, then it's obvious that when the acting out and other nahrishkeiten are removed from the equation, you will go a little bonkers. We all do, temporarily.
After that, it is your choice: to either ride the storm holding our hands while you find peace (I use the 12-steps for that), or go back out there and comfort yourself some more with the sweet poison. Oh yeah, there's a third choice. You can just keep kvetching about it. I certainly did my share. But these SA guys don't seem to have much room for pity... tough bunch....
Whatever you (and we) are hurting or annoyed about - or scared of - is still going to need facing.
We need peace, not more painful adventure. We can either face it now while aching a bit in sobriety and really attain the peace we deserve, or we can medicate again, to deal with it perhaps in the next gigul, or - if/when the medicating finally stops working - in this one.
Nu. At least in this one you have our hands to hold! It seems that "Someone" is looking out for you and is giving you the help you need in this trip!
So make a lechayim for a sweet new year together with some flaky people who really understand you, for a change.
Even if we succeed to stop acting out, it won't solve our problems. There's obviously something we are annoyed about or scared of (or whatever), that we are using the acting out to medicate. When we stop medicating, we can finally face the real issues head on. And that's where it gets hard. But Hashem sent you to a group of people who understand you, and we'll all hold your hands while you find the peace you seek (and deserve).