We have two members on our forum, Boruch and Shomer, both of whom are over 40 years old and Talmidei Chachamim in their own right. They have been accountability partners with each other for a long time, and they researched and purchased together the best possible accountability filters - at no small cost.
And they had another thing in common as well. They were both thoroughly convinced that the 12-Step groups were not for them. As a matter of fact, when Boruch first joined our forum, he wrote pages and pages of posts against the 12-Steps, claiming that they were were counter-intuitive and had been born out of another religion, while we Yidden have Chazal who teach us clearly how to do Teshuvah.
Well, one day Boruch broke the news of his addiction with his therapist and was given the suggestion to try the 12-Step groups - just once. Boruch was determined to do all he could to break his addiction, and if that was what his therapist asked, Boruch agreed to try.
Today, Boruch is a changed man. He has become the most ardent advocate of the 12-Steps and he is working the steps into his life through the groups with a passion.
His partner Shomer however, remained skeptical at first, to say the least.
I would like to share below a series of posts from Shomer's thread on the forum that I believe will be most enlightening. (I would advise anyone who has the time to read the entire thread, starting from page 9 over here. It is a truly inspiring thread and includes a deeper discussion on which type of group is right for you, as well as the story of how Shomer's wife found out - and what happened as a result).
I have been struggling to overcome my addiction for years now. I have previously been an active member on the no-porn forums, at one point I was maintaining a blog about addiction through which I was approached by many competent individuals (including none other than GUE himself) and have reached out personally to Rabbonim (albeit in an anonymous manner).
Boruch on the other hand (and I am sure he will agree with this), although aware of his issue with P-rn addiction has been brushing it under the carpet for years now refusing to admit the severity of his problem.
After I had found these forums and taken the advice of GUE to install a filter and set up an accountability arrangement, boruch woke up one day (or to be more accurate one night after a binge P-rn session) and realized "hey, I have a problem too".
Since that time (about 4 weeks ago) boruch has been extremely vigilant in researching and getting involved with the 12 step group he currently attends. I respect and admire boruch for this and am truly in awe of his willingness to travel and attend the meetings. I wish boruch only the best in his recovery, and in all areas of life for that matter, and am grateful for the friendship that he has extended to me for many years now.
That being said, I have and continue to believe that there are many paths to recovery. I would certainly agree that there are common denominators to these methods, but I do not feel that the 12 steps are one of them.
Are the 12 steps effective, yes ... are the 12 steps the most consistent path to recovery, absolutely ... are the 12 steps for everyone ... I will quote the old boruch on this one ... absolutely not.
While the 12 steps may be the best choice for boruch, my decision to do it another way in no way constitute less of a commitment than boruch.
As things stand right now, I will bezras Hashem hit the 6 week mark tomorrow.
Apples to apples (and I use comparisons very reluctantly here), as far as what is lemaysa, I am running just a little bit ahead of boruch with regard to what can actually be measured.
My commitment is no less than his, my strategy no less effective and my resolve no less firm.
Shomer, whether you believe in the 12-Steps or not, the power of a GROUP of people who have realized that their very lives depend on doing whatever it takes to break free, and they are ready to change their lives and their entire way of thinking to achieve it - this alone is worth more than anything.
So how about this? Promise us that if you have another fall - chas veshalom, you will try Boruch's groups at least ONCE.
GUE, you strike a tough bargain :-)
It is my policy, however, not to make promises that I am not 100% sure I can commit to.
I will strongly consider, however, going to one of boruch's group if I fall again - an eventuality that I hope and pray does not come to fruition.
GUE, I again thank you again and again for your support/encouragement/chizuk ....
I am sorry to disappoint everyone, but I slipped this past Sunday at day 53.
The bottom line is this. I was hoping that I could do this on my own, but in light of this last slip I acknowledge that going it solo might not be realistic. At the behest of GUE and my accountability partner boruch, I have decided to attend SA meetings.
It is only as a result of these boards as well as boruch's decision to attend meetings himself that I would even consider going.
As GUE is fond of quoting Rabbi Twerski ... this is a spiritual cancer and when someone r"l has cancer, what would they not do to get better?
I am ready to do what it takes bezras Hashem ...
True to his word, Shomer joined the groups.
Meanwhile, on the forum there has again been some debate as to whether the groups are indeed necessary for Frum Yidden who can't break free. After all, we do have some valiant warriors like "Battleworn" and "Yaakov" on the forum who are succeeding to maintain their sobriety without the 12-Steps.
Also, there has been some discussion on the forum about the fear that the groups are sometimes mixed and could be triggering to addicts.
I have been catching up on the chizuk e-mail's and reading through the 12 step thread and although I am certainly no authority, I would like to offer an opinion based on the 2 weeks that I have been with the SA groups.
1) Regarding women in meetings. I have been to 3 locations (2 non-Jewish) and have not seen a female yet. SA is a more traditional and conservative group and I believe the chances of encountering a women there are relatively small.
2) Based on my short experience, the groups themselves are VERY VERY powerful. I think that yaakov and battleworn have been so successful using their own methods because they have managed to stay pro-active regarding their addictions. I myself am probably not as disciplined as either of these courageous warriors and tend to "forget" about my addiction as time goes on. What inevitably happens is that I end up getting sucked right back in. For me, I have come to realize that there is truly no other option.
Walking into that room day after day and listening to people that were sunk much deeper into the addiction than I was (prostitutes/affairs/same-sex) and have managed to stay sober for years is truly inspiring.
I truly admire and am envious of hero's like battleworn and yaakov and wish that I had their courage and ability to connect with our holy Torah to the degree that it supersedes our addictive tendencies. The reality, as has been demonstrated over and over again through the painful process of continual relapse, is that I cannot do it on my own.I am grateful for the SA program beyond what words can describe. It may not be perfect, but it works.
Hatzlacha to all!