Are you an addict? Well, just because you feel driven to do these things does not mean that you are an addict, as far as I am concerned. Everybody with a normal human yetzer hora can feel driven to act-out. It is part of our nature that something about it gives a pleasure to us. Pleasure makes us all want to do that thing again, of course, and that is completely normal. There are lots of things that feel great, but that does not mean that they are good ideas for us to do them, like smoking, getting drunk, punching someone we are angry at, or eating creme-filled donuts three times a day. All these are unhealthy for us in some way but once we try them we want to do them anyway! And so with using schmutz. As Elya wrote recently, if it really is healthy and good for us, why do we all naturally know that we need to hide and do it in secret? Obviously it is not healthy for us... Especially using it in secret over and over... And especially being Yidden who can live a life that is mostly about good and productive things like Hashem, doing His mitzvos, and being useful to our friends, families and Klal Yisroel. Our life is supposed to be about being busy living real life - not about chewing all day long on our little struggles with ta'ayvoh in and out of the bathroom.
For many, many good people, the stuff we are talking about easily becomes an obsession that takes over our minds and makes living 'the good life' very difficult.
Addicts do all that, too, but with this stuff, because it is so powerful and because we feel it in our very bodies, even non-addicts obsess about it sometimes.
In my opinion, only you can decide if you are an addict. Is it messing up your life, or not? Can you stop, or not? To me, these were the things that helped me see that I was in terrible trouble and needed help. And before you decide that, I hope you try to get in touch with safe people to talk to in person. And if you decide that you are an addict, then I'd suggest even more strongly that you get in touch with real people who understand - like a good psychologist who specializes in this stuff, or with addicts in good, solid recovery. In my own case, these desires and forces were just too powerful to be controlled by completely relying on a pretend or phone relationship. After all, you are not even using your real first name - and neither are many of us! If this issue is really serious for you, then for crying out loud, get serious about it! Real problems need real solutions. GYE is a great place for you to start and has many great tools for you to use and practice - but I hope you do not stop here. Get someone safe and smart in your life to help you. By the way, this eitza is os yud-gimmel in the Tzetel Koton. Look it up there - the tzaddik's loshon is gorgeous.
Please daven for Hashem to help you want to do the right thing. To lead you on the right path. He will eventually help you find people who can understand and will guide you, and He will also give you sechel to grow out of this obsession and into getting busy with real life. It will probably be a long process, like all important things are. Be patient and keep trying.
If you find that you do not grow out of it and eventually decide that you are an addict, don't worry anyway. There is plenty of help - even for addicts - here and elsewhere! And Hashem loves you like mad and will never, ever abandon you, no matter what you do or have done.
You will be OK! Just do something about it!