Before I begin, I reiterate that this letter is written by a Yid-little mr. yechida here. Your husband did not know I would write this and certainly didn't ask me to. It's important that you keep this in mind as you read this letter.
An important disclaimer: every life and every marriage is unique. Some may go through extraordinary situations beyond the scope of the norm. If chas v'sholom one of you is suffering from a serious illness such as cancer or the like, or the illness and death of a child, then parts of this letter will not apply to you. Hashem has placed before you an extraordinary situation that requires a separate unique discussion, requiring special sensitivity.
Know that a letter such as this requires several assumptions: That you and your husband are generally physically healthy. That both of you have experienced, are experiencing, or will experience some of the various challenges that face our generation. This may include struggles with parnassah, raising children, stress of daily living, or working together on common problems. Paying bills, PTA problems, interaction with parents, in-laws, nosy relatives, neighbors and shul members are also included. Stress can manifest itself via good things too; the simcha of a newborn, of bar mitzvahs’ or marriage. It includes the heartbreaking stress of an elderly parent who is ill and will soon leave this world. Almost every Yid and every couple will go through this. Please keep in mind that it is within this context that I am writing.
Know that this world is an upside-down world. Our perceptions are way off; good seems bad while bad seems good, high looks low and low seems high. Because of this, it is imperative when assessing situations, that you do not pay undue attention to what others say or think. Personally examine the case at hand, and then do what Hashem wants you to do.
Once, in my first year of marriage, someone close to me pointed out something negative about my wife. They were correct; she did posses this negative trait. I did what Hashem wanted me to do. I threw the negative comment in the garbage! Hashem gave me this neshomoh, my true zivug, from 40 days before I was born. So either He wants me to ignore the negative or He wants me to look at the good in her and build on it. And even if you argue that Hashem wants me to see this true negative trait in her, it is only so that I can help heal her not hurt her. It’s no different than a doctor looking at an ugly, gaping wound. He is examining it in order to find a way to heal it. He doesn't spit at the wound in disgust or contempt.
Remember this: something true, looked at the wrong way – is false.
Now you may ask why I am talking to you. I wouldn't be able to say why because I would start crying before the words came out. So I write instead. Because you are dear to me like a brother who treasures his one and only sister. Yes you; who I do not know. You; who I will never see, nor want to see on this physical earth (after 120 or when moshiach comes-that's a different story). You; who if came my way, I would cross the street to the other side. You are precious to me because you are a daughter of Hashem, and because you love my dear friend-your husband, whom I haven't seen either.
How do I love so intensely people I don't know and will never see? Spend time on this website. You will learn and you will understand.
So, your husband is here; either because he has within him an unhealthy addiction, or if not an actual addiction, he has within him an intense struggle. He has a strong pull toward unhealthy thoughts and emotions that he must battle with on a day-to-day or sometimes an hour-to-hour basis. You discover this, either because he finally tells you or you stumbled across it with hashgacha pratis and he is forced to open up and tell you. It's natural to feel very painful complex emotions- anger, hurt, fear, confusion. If your husband is here at GYE, he already understands that you have every right to feel this way. But what I need to tell you ,is that you need to look into yourself and try to understand that there are parts to these emotions that are in the wrong place. My dear sister, feeling hurt and upset is OK. But you really need to know; I mean really, really know, why you feel this way.
How do I know your husband? Let me tell you in this parable, this mashal. Your husband and I are climbing up this very steep, tall mountain. Suddenly a heavy-weight, full muscled 300 pound mobster appears and shoves both of us violently down the mountain. We are both rolling down at great speed. Then I smash into a big boulder. I suffer head trauma as well as several broken ribs. But at least it stops my fall. Your husband, only several inches to my right, misses the boulder, and continues rolling further down the hill. He finally stops, much further down. Suffering even more he somehow finds the inner strength within him to get up and start climbing again.
Now my sister, this is what I meant about the world being an upside-down place. On the outside, it would appear that I am greater than your husband; after all, I'm higher up on the mountain. But isn't that absurd? Do you not see how ridiculous that thought is? That large rock which stopped my fall did not come because of anything good I did; did not come because of any special zchus. Hashem for reasons not known to me, wanted me to be pushed down and to slam into this rock. And your husband, also for reasons not known, was just on the path that missed that rock by inches. I'm not making excuses for wrong choices, but it is clear as day that your husband is greater than I and has more inner strength. I look down the hill at him, fighting and fighting to climb up. And I am humbled. I see greatness in him that you may not yet see – but you will.
And the real "holy" men; the ones that you think are great, whom in your anger and hurt say "that’s whom I should have married"- that "holy" man never experienced that violent shove, never felt the pain of being in a dark place, never had been shattered by a severe fall. Hashem only put him in safe protected places. Take them out of these safe places-and they fold like a cheap camera.
If your husband is here at GYE, then he is in a place that is like a brutally honest mirror. He already looked into himself with brutal honesty, however painful that was. He sees in himself things that he doesn't like, doesn't like at all. He sees what he needs to fix, what he must fix, to become closer to Hashem again, and yes my beloved sister, to become closer to you again, in a way that it is deeper and closer then it ever was before this began.
Men are men. He may have difficulty telling you this in words, but I know his heart. He loves you very deeply. He knows that Hashem gave you to him from 40 days before he was born, and he knows that he hurt you very much. And if he is here he feels that hurt as intensely as you do, because that's what this great GYE mirror does. To be here, even nameless, requires great courage, honesty, humility and the determination to fix hurts. To fix what is wrong.
My dear sister, in this part, I have to repeat that it's just a simple Yid; mr little yechida saying the following, not your husband. So if what I'm about to say upsets you, then be angry at mr yechida here, not your husband, because he's not saying these words. All I can say is that you are dear and precious to me, and I ask you to listen with an open mind.
The hurt you feel should only be when the act of faithlessness occurs. Even if he fought with all his might, and was pushed down hard, you have every right to feel that hurt; that stab of pain when this fall occurs.
But you have no right, no right whatsoever, to blame your husband for the struggle itself; for this lustful urge, this very pull to look at oher women, and this need for intimacy. Be upset if he falls, but to be angry at the fact that he is in this struggle in the first place is wrong – very wrong.
For example, you and your husband have a sheva berochos to attend; men and women separate, but no mechitzah. Or perhaps you are both going to an important appointment. In these places; the simcha hall, the train, or the waiting room, there are other women, some dressed in immodest fashion. Or perhaps you’re both taking a walk together, and a group of girls appear across the street, each one better looking then the other.
You are sharp and observant, and as the saying goes, you were not born yesterday. You know your husband well. You see him struggle with himself, looking at the floor, saying tehilim quietly, staring into a sefer or Yated or Hamodia or whatever. You feel this bitter anger coming up inside you. Not because he is failing his test, but because he has this struggle within him. Shouldn't I be everything to him? Why should his mind and heart go in that direction?
This, my beloved sister is misplaced anger. If he stares at this beautiful woman across the street, then yes, he has hurt you. But what if he doesn't look; looks down, or in a sefer, or forces himself to think of a dvar torah, or daven to Hashem to help him? What if he forces himself to go to meetings, which is the last place he wants to be? Then you are wrong, even cruel for being angry at him. Complain to the Creator that created him!!!!!! You should be proud; he is fighting, he is a warrior. He's trying so hard for Hashem. He's trying so hard for you, his true zivug, his dear wife. You should love him for this, not be ashamed of him for it.
If your husband is here, at GYE, he already feels great shame when he falls. As I said before; GYE is full of Ahavas Yisroel. But it is also a brutally honest mirror. He is staring at his faults andit hurts terribly. It hurts so much, but he is not looking away. He is trying his hardest, figuring out how to fix what is wrong.
So my sister, I'm saying this with ahavah because…it hurts so much to say this…(it's good I'm writing, not speaking, because the tears are coming). I don't want to say this but I have to, out of love. Your husband's struggles do not give you the excuse not to look into the mirror yourself; a GYE type mirror. You may not have these unhealthy sexual-type urges, but like every human being on this earth, there are things that are wrong with you that you need to fix. You must be brave and must stare yourself down, you must force yourself to see the ugly in you, and also look at the good and build on that too. There are many things you need to learn about yourself. It will hurt alot. But it's the only way you will heal, and become a better person, better mother, and better wife.
My beloved sister, if your good, decent, precious husband opens his heart and expresses interest in sharing intimacy with you; think twice before pushing him away in rejection. If he is here at GYE, then you see clearly it's not just a physical need. He wants to connect with you emotionally on a deep level. He wants to tell you things that he may be afraid to tell you and this is the only way he could.
Your dear husband is crying his heart out, desperately needs to hold you, his true soul mate, and cry on your shoulder.
Open your heart and your arms and allow him to do so.
Because this, my beloved sister, is what Hashem wants you, needs you to do.
this is my first time writing anything on GYE. I am a wife who found out that her husband has a struggle with these matters. I just wanted to thank you soo much for this letter. I cried the whole way through and everything you have written is true, i know this , i just need to internalize it. Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to compose this beautiful and important message. For anyone else who reads this please know that this person is speaking the truth. In order for your husband to “recover” he needs you. He needs you to love him and support him. He needs you to smile at him and be right behind him every step of the way. Yes, you can be hurt and pained when he fails, but angry for his struggle in life is wrong. I too have had those thoughts of “well so and so doesn’t have this struggle, i should’ve married him”… but first of all you never know that forsure and it doesn’t matter you married your husband! Every marriage has issues and if this is THE one for you then Hashem knows you can handle it. Is it hard? yes, VERY hard, but if you are the best wife that you can be and you try to tell your husband that you are there for him whenever he needs you – emotionally, spiritually, and physically than Hashem will help you too. Hashem treats us the way we treat others and if all we do is get angry at our spouses for their faults than Hashem will find a fault of ours to get angry at,(and we all have faults). However, if we are supportive and helpful than Hashem will do the same for us. I never thought I would have to write about such things and to tell you the truth , before a few months ago I never knew that such a thing existed in the frum world but it does and we are the chosen wives to help these men. I can only daven that Hashem helps everyone on GYE with siyata dishmaya and may we all be zoiche to mashiach very soon bemhaira veyamainu amein!
I wish to respond to the comment to the letter.
it took you a great amount of courage to write what you wrote,way way more than it took me to write what I did. You are completely validated in your feeling hurt and you are being strong and noble in knowing and internalizing what Hashem wants from you. From between the lines it seems to me that your husband is a good person and feels bad that he has these struggles.But you must know that there are other men who may have these struggles as well and are ashamed to admit them.many could be very special people.And then I have seen men that do not striggle with these issues as much but have anger issues or control issues and can cause chas vesholom terrible affliction to thier wives and childen. And also what you see on the outside is not always what is.so others that may seem more higher and better than your husband-trust me,it may not be the case at all. Hashem’s way of judging people are different than ours.
I know I love my wife.If I have to fight and struggle as I have to walk down the street or go to a family wedding or slip up at times, that does not in any way change the fact that I love my wife. So I can feel safe in saying I’m sure your husband loves you very much. He may not tell you this but a great wish he may have in life is not to struggle in these matters. I must admit that after writing this letter I was not so confortable posting it-but I see that it was the right thing to do.
and you also must know that the frum world hides these problem as if it does not exists is a terrible thing. We live in a sick world and these issues are very very common.and pervades the most frum houses. Facing it is the right thing to do-and it shows the courage that you have. We have been invaded by the enemy
I am proud of you, a wife and mother that despite your hurt and pain, you look way above and beyond it,to connect to Hashem,to see the good in the neshomah in your husband.I have a feeling that he has potential that has not been tapped into yet, and if he fights and fights against this struggle he has,this special potential will come out.and you are the major reason this will happen.And it will.May it come to be very soon. Let him read what I wrote.Appreciate your special wife. Keep fighting and working hard at it and you will really see great blessing physically,spiritually and emotionally-especially within the walls of your home one more point I would like to add. A husband who has a wife like this,who sees beyond what hurts her,and supports and loves her husband despite his stuggles in such matters,must know that he is very very blessed.
This gift should not be abused.by trying very very hard,by davening,asking Hashem over and over and over again to help him not fall,not to hurt himself,and not to hurt his wife who sees his weakness and loves him anyway. And just like she is understanding and loving and supportive,you must be the same. Character traits that bother you about your wife,or her blunders,or the fact that she may not be as you would like her to be-you have to throw this line of thinking out the window. She loves you despite what you are dealing with and despite this ugliness still being within you.
You do exactly the same. You love your wife as she is. Period. And you thank Hashem for her too. Trust me on this one. He likes when you do this
Thank you so much for your response. You are 100% correct, my husband is a wonderful man and I know this and I truly believe that it is only because of what an amazing man he is that I am able to be the way I am and support him. Thank you for your comments, I found them very encouraging and we both appreciate what you wrote.