this is my first time writing anything on GYE. I am a wife who found out that her husband has a struggle with these matters. I just wanted to thank you soo much for this letter. I cried the whole way through and everything you have written is true, i know this , i just need to internalize it. Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to compose this beautiful and important message. For anyone else who reads this please know that this person is speaking the truth. In order for your husband to “recover” he needs you. He needs you to love him and support him. He needs you to smile at him and be right behind him every step of the way. Yes, you can be hurt and pained when he fails, but angry for his struggle in life is wrong. I too have had those thoughts of “well so and so doesn’t have this struggle, i should’ve married him”… but first of all you never know that forsure and it doesn’t matter you married your husband! Every marriage has issues and if this is THE one for you then Hashem knows you can handle it. Is it hard? yes, VERY hard, but if you are the best wife that you can be and you try to tell your husband that you are there for him whenever he needs you – emotionally, spiritually, and physically than Hashem will help you too. Hashem treats us the way we treat others and if all we do is get angry at our spouses for their faults than Hashem will find a fault of ours to get angry at,(and we all have faults). However, if we are supportive and helpful than Hashem will do the same for us. I never thought I would have to write about such things and to tell you the truth , before a few months ago I never knew that such a thing existed in the frum world but it does and we are the chosen wives to help these men. I can only daven that Hashem helps everyone on GYE with siyata dishmaya and may we all be zoiche to mashiach very soon bemhaira veyamainu amein!
I wish to respond to the comment to the letter.
it took you a great amount of courage to write what you wrote,way way more than it took me to write what I did. You are completely validated in your feeling hurt and you are being strong and noble in knowing and internalizing what Hashem wants from you. From between the lines it seems to me that your husband is a good person and feels bad that he has these struggles.But you must know that there are other men who may have these struggles as well and are ashamed to admit them.many could be very special people.And then I have seen men that do not striggle with these issues as much but have anger issues or control issues and can cause chas vesholom terrible affliction to thier wives and childen. And also what you see on the outside is not always what is.so others that may seem more higher and better than your husband-trust me,it may not be the case at all. Hashem’s way of judging people are different than ours.
I know I love my wife.If I have to fight and struggle as I have to walk down the street or go to a family wedding or slip up at times, that does not in any way change the fact that I love my wife. So I can feel safe in saying I’m sure your husband loves you very much. He may not tell you this but a great wish he may have in life is not to struggle in these matters. I must admit that after writing this letter I was not so confortable posting it-but I see that it was the right thing to do.
and you also must know that the frum world hides these problem as if it does not exists is a terrible thing. We live in a sick world and these issues are very very common.and pervades the most frum houses. Facing it is the right thing to do-and it shows the courage that you have. We have been invaded by the enemy
I am proud of you, a wife and mother that despite your hurt and pain, you look way above and beyond it,to connect to Hashem,to see the good in the neshomah in your husband.I have a feeling that he has potential that has not been tapped into yet, and if he fights and fights against this struggle he has,this special potential will come out.and you are the major reason this will happen.And it will.May it come to be very soon. Let him read what I wrote.Appreciate your special wife. Keep fighting and working hard at it and you will really see great blessing physically,spiritually and emotionally-especially within the walls of your home one more point I would like to add. A husband who has a wife like this,who sees beyond what hurts her,and supports and loves her husband despite his stuggles in such matters,must know that he is very very blessed.
This gift should not be abused.by trying very very hard,by davening,asking Hashem over and over and over again to help him not fall,not to hurt himself,and not to hurt his wife who sees his weakness and loves him anyway. And just like she is understanding and loving and supportive,you must be the same. Character traits that bother you about your wife,or her blunders,or the fact that she may not be as you would like her to be-you have to throw this line of thinking out the window. She loves you despite what you are dealing with and despite this ugliness still being within you.
You do exactly the same. You love your wife as she is. Period. And you thank Hashem for her too. Trust me on this one. He likes when you do this
Thank you so much for your response. You are 100% correct, my husband is a wonderful man and I know this and I truly believe that it is only because of what an amazing man he is that I am able to be the way I am and support him. Thank you for your comments, I found them very encouraging and we both appreciate what you wrote.