Now you may ask why I am talking to you. I wouldn't be able to say why because I would start crying before the words came out. So I write instead. Because you are dear to me like a brother who treasures his one and only sister. Yes you; who I do not know. You; who I will never see, nor want to see on this physical earth (after 120 or when moshiach comes-that's a different story). You; who if came my way, I would cross the street to the other side. You are precious to me because you are a daughter of Hashem, and because you love my dear friend-your husband, whom I haven't seen either.
How do I love so intensely people I don't know and will never see? Spend time on this website. You will learn and you will understand.
So, your husband is here; either because he has within him an unhealthy addiction, or if not an actual addiction, he has within him an intense struggle. He has a strong pull toward unhealthy thoughts and emotions that he must battle with on a day-to-day or sometimes an hour-to-hour basis. You discover this, either because he finally tells you or you stumbled across it with hashgacha pratis and he is forced to open up and tell you. It's natural to feel very painful complex emotions- anger, hurt, fear, confusion. If your husband is here at GYE, he already understands that you have every right to feel this way. But what I need to tell you ,is that you need to look into yourself and try to understand that there are parts to these emotions that are in the wrong place. My dear sister, feeling hurt and upset is OK. But you really need to know; I mean really, really know, why you feel this way.
How do I know your husband? Let me tell you in this parable, this mashal. Your husband and I are climbing up this very steep, tall mountain. Suddenly a heavy-weight, full muscled 300 pound mobster appears and shoves both of us violently down the mountain. We are both rolling down at great speed. Then I smash into a big boulder. I suffer head trauma as well as several broken ribs. But at least it stops my fall. Your husband, only several inches to my right, misses the boulder, and continues rolling further down the hill. He finally stops, much further down. Suffering even more he somehow finds the inner strength within him to get up and start climbing again.
Now my sister, this is what I meant about the world being an upside-down place. On the outside, it would appear that I am greater than your husband; after all, I'm higher up on the mountain. But isn't that absurd? Do you not see how ridiculous that thought is? That large rock which stopped my fall did not come because of anything good I did; did not come because of any special zchus. Hashem for reasons not known to me, wanted me to be pushed down and to slam into this rock. And your husband, also for reasons not known, was just on the path that missed that rock by inches. I'm not making excuses for wrong choices, but it is clear as day that your husband is greater than I and has more inner strength. I look down the hill at him, fighting and fighting to climb up. And I am humbled. I see greatness in him that you may not yet see – but you will.
And the real "holy" men; the ones that you think are great, whom in your anger and hurt say "that’s whom I should have married"- that "holy" man never experienced that violent shove, never felt the pain of being in a dark place, never had been shattered by a severe fall. Hashem only put him in safe protected places. Take them out of these safe places-and they fold like a cheap camera.
If your husband is here at GYE, then he is in a place that is like a brutally honest mirror. He already looked into himself with brutal honesty, however painful that was. He sees in himself things that he doesn't like, doesn't like at all. He sees what he needs to fix, what he must fix, to become closer to Hashem again, and yes my beloved sister, to become closer to you again, in a way that it is deeper and closer then it ever was before this began.
Men are men. He may have difficulty telling you this in words, but I know his heart. He loves you very deeply. He knows that Hashem gave you to him from 40 days before he was born, and he knows that he hurt you very much. And if he is here he feels that hurt as intensely as you do, because that's what this great GYE mirror does. To be here, even nameless, requires great courage, honesty, humility and the determination to fix hurts. To fix what is wrong.