Before the 12 Step Program, I couldn't bear Shabbos without my family near me. I hated being alone and all unto myself. The worst thoughts and urges would appear, and I didn't know what to do with myself.
Baruch Hashem, not anymore.
If anyone wants to really "prove" to themselves that their addiction lives deep inside their heads, all you have to do is see how you handle being alone OR how you handle the Lazy - Unplanned - usually Disorganized day of the week known as Sunday.
"Why should this matter to my addiction??" you might ask.
Bill's story (and others) in The Big Book, share with us the impact that "isolation" has on our propensity to act out.
We may think that we have some semblance of control during the work week. After all, we're so busy - focusing on our careers, our family needs, providing for and supporting our family, our employees, our civic responsibilities. Who has time to think??!! Much less have time to act out?
In addition, we may be attending a 12 Step Meeting or a Shiur or keeping in touch with our Sponsor of Fellows in the Program. Yes, I feel in charge and "in control" through all these efforts. (AND certainly, you shouldn't stop any of this). But the truth is that all of this busy activity is just a cover up.
Just look what happens on SUNDAY, when the day is quiet and unplanned or lazy? Do you hear it? Inside your head? Yep, it's there! That little annoying voice telling you that you're bored and need something to focus on. You can't just sit around all day, that wouldn't be right.
That little voice that lives deep inside our head is the best proof of our powerlessness over our addiction - our "disease". Just think about that word - "disease". It means DIS - EASE or "LACK OF EASE". This is a good description of what it means to us to be "twisted-up" or unhappy "in our skin."
It's this state of dis-ease that tells us to "take back control" - to turn to a behavior that comforts us - to soothe ourselves. And those "blessed" with sexaholism know that our drug of choice is "acting out" - through internet porn or chat rooms, or masturbation or cruising the scene.
Why?? BECAUSE WE JUST CAN'T FEEL HAPPY IN OUR SKIN!
That is, until we take the Steps - The 12 Steps - especially the 1st STEP: admitting powerlessness.
And that's why I invite you to continue this week on our Journey, as we Cruise through the Big Book; picking up on page 2 in Bill's Story.
You will soon see for yourself - in time - as you make it through recovery by working the Steps, that you can look forward to Sunday - or any day that you are "alone" - confident that what lives deep inside your head will be a different voice, not the one that urges you into the addiction - but instead a voice that calls you to Teshuvah and to stay connected to the real Truth, to HIM.
So keep coming back, because it works if you work it - and your worth it!
Until then, I am yours truly,
Duvid Chaim