To stop social pressure from holding us back, we must figure out what makes us view ourselves the way we do. How do we form our identity?
At first glance, it seems most people view themselves based on what others think of them. This goes so far that people often act the way others think they will act. What others think about them becomes their identity. Even if they wish they would act differently, they feel pressured to act the way others expect them to. That’s also why people want so much for others to think highly of them, and they put in a lot of effort to attain this.
But something is missing from this outlook. Why doesn’t the attention we crave make us happy? Why does it feel empty?
The answer is that the approval of others can’t make us feel good about ourselves if it doesn’t feel genuine. If we know it’s fake, we will still feel inferior.
That’s why a poor person who is honored for being wealthy does not feel satisfaction even if he values money highly — he knows it’s all a lie. How great does a valedictorian feel if he knows he cheated his way through school and is lazy, dishonest, and unintelligent? If someone is praised for performing good deeds that he didn’t do, it doesn’t make him feel like a good person. If we know it’s fake and is not really our identity, it does nothing for us.
So how do we identify ourselves? Usually, it’s based on how we think others would view us if they knew everything. That’s why if we think others would look down on us if they knew the truth, we feel worthless.
But we can do much better than that. What really matters is what we think about ourselves. We are just allowing our opinion to be swayed by what others would think. That’s why we care. But if we think for ourselves and figure out what we value, our lives would be much better.
If we are dominated by others’ values, we will find ourselves doing things we didn’t want to do. We will look down on ourselves because they do, and we will chase goals that we will later see are empty. Our values will take a back seat, and we will violate them because of what others think. We won’t chase our dreams because others won’t approve. In short, we will miss out on life for nothing. What could be sadder?
Why should we let others’ values run our lives? The only One whose values matter is Hashem. We can mold our values to match His. Then, we will be confident that our values matter. Even if others don’t approve, we will think highly of ourselves. And Hashem will think highly of us too.
If we follow others’ values, especially if we know they are improper, we won’t be satisfied or think highly of ourselves. But if we realize the greatness of self-control and notice ourselves acting with it, of course we will be impressed! Viewing everything with our own values will dramatically change our lives.
We must look in the mirror and figure out what we think about ourselves. We know every challenge we have been through and how hard it has been, and we know that all that matters is how much we have accomplished despite difficulty. Once we think highly about ourselves, we will automatically care much less about what others think about us. This is one of the many ways feeling good about ourselves makes us less vulnerable to weakness. We can form an identity we will love and be proud of, and we will become different people. Most important, we will live with enthusiasm for life and it will be amazing!
If you are self-conscious, that usually means you feel insecure or think lowly of yourself. That means it’s time to remember what you have accomplished in the face of great difficulty, and then to accomplish more with excitement! It’s time to turn yourself into the great person you dream of being. Make yourself proud! It sure is worth it.