Allan J. Katz is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Coach and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). He and his wife have helped save many marriages through GYE. To speak with Allan, call our hotline646-600-8100, press Extension 2 for “Treatment” and then press 3 to be directed to his phone line. Allan and his wife can help you come to grips with the situation you find yourself in. (The initial call is free, but you may decide to engage Allan in long-term or short-term coaching). Allan’s e-mail is: ajk@allanjkatz.com. Or visit his website at http://allanjkatz.com.
You can download his FREE e-book, Mask in the Mirror: Chizuk for people suffering from Shmiras Eiynaim at https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/mask-in-the-mirror?category_id=150 .
All living creatures have no shame, with the exception of human beings. When we have intellect we understand the concept of shame. When we don’t use our intellect as human beings (behaving like animals) we have no shame.
The trait of shame is a boundary to protect us from going against our values; what we consider right or wrong. When we do things in private we would not do in public, we are touching on the attribute of shame and this can help us stop doing things impulsively to get a moment of pleasure without thinking about the consequences. People do and say many things in private they would not dare say or do in public, and when this becomes public knowledge they feel shame.
There are two levels of shame:
If you are ashamed to do something against your values in public but do so in private, you are being ashamed before other people but ignoring your Higher Power.
If you are ashamed before people and avoid doing things against your values in private fearing they will become known to people, this is healthy shame.
Shame and trustworthiness are interconnected; one who has shame keeps his faith with all people; one who does not keep his faith, has no shame. When you have no shame you will do whatever you desire and not care about consequences or the needs of other people.
Love only the person who gives the impression that he cannot get along without you, though you need him more than he needs you, and who, if you offend him, will forgive you and make it seem as if he was the offender, and who will ask things of you that he does not need so that you will not be ashamed to ask of him.
The trait of shame results in humility – humbling yourself to others because of your shame – and in modesty – shame keeping you from exhibiting your body and your deeds in public. The degree of a person’s shame is revealed in an anger provoking situation.
Ask Yourself These Questions
What does humbling yourself before others mean to you?
Why has healthy shame become extinct in our society? What can we individually do about it?
What is the connection between shame and trust? How can we use healthy shame to build trust back into our relationships?
What is the connection between anger and shame?
How does healthy shame help us recover from addiction, depression and anxiety?