Dear Hashem
I have a lot of feelings on his day of mourning yet I’m not sure how to express them. I’m going to try and explain what’s going on inside me and hopefully it will bring me to some clarity and direction.
Last night in Shul we read Eicha; we asked how You, Who had been our Redeemer, could destroy Your holy city and temple. Why, we asked, is Your love no longer evident? And how can it be that “the city that was full of people” now “dwells alone”? These seem to echo all the many questions that I have had throughout the years… Do You, Hashem, really love me? Do You care if I do wrong? Are You still listening to me? When we read about the innocent babies being punished, suffering along with those who maybe did deserve it, I can’t help but ask WHY? Why is there so much pain in Your world?
That question will remain unanswered until the end of time. It’s a fact I must come to face. I may never know why. But I don’t have to let that destroy my daily living. Afterall, some questions can be answered, and, I guess, it’s up to me to pursue them, depending on how much it actually matters to me.
Today is a day of great pain, yet I find that I cannot bring myself to tears. How can I cry when I don’t know what I’m crying over? I woke up this morning desperate for a shower, angry that I couldn’t brush my teeth, frustrated that I couldn’t find clothes because there’s a nine-day laundry pile-up… This day just doesn’t apply to me. The Meraglim’s report, the Destruction of the Temples, Crusades, Expulsions, Inquisitions, World Wars… These blend in with the rest of my history textbooks, seemingly irrelevant to my daily life.
Yet there’s another way to look at all this. Today You sit and cry over us, Your children, whom You love and care for unconditionally. You want to bring us home. You never wanted us to go through all the death and destruction that our history drowns in. We belong in a world of peace, a world of clarity, and a world where we all acknowledge You. We get so caught up in the superficialities of this world, we continue to turn away from Your Palace, rejecting Your open arms because we’re too busy updating our status’ and checking our notifications.
So today I’m not going to be crying over history. I’m going to be crying over the present. For all the people who don’t know they’re Jewish, for those who choose not to identify themselves as Jewish, and for those who just-don’t-care. We need an end to the pain, hurt, and confusion. Enough suffering! I’m crying because I wish I were more sensitive to Your Will, more aware of what we’re all missing. I just want things be okay again. I want to feel safe in Your arms.
May this Tisha B’Av be the last of it’s kind. I don’t want You to have to go through this again.