I would like to review the lessons that we learned in the last two chapters of the book "The First Day of the Rest of My Life". The first chapter was called "The Daughter of the King" and the second chapter was called "Pizza with Toppings". Both of these chapters deal with the issue of how someone who suffered/s from a sexual addiction can learn to have a happy and fulfilling marriage relationship with their spouse.
Question: How can we assure that our past experiences won't affect our ability to stay true to our spouses for the long term?
It is important to focus on the difference between the meaningless sexual experiences of the past, and the lasting and meaningful relationship you want to have with your spouse. With past partners/fantasies you shared no common denominator other than lust, with no connection to their personalities, goals or uniqueness. However, your connection with your spouse is on an individual level, with all the unique ingredients of his/her personality. What is common between you both is unique only to you two. Other people you see in the street have no connection to the intimate relationship that you have created with your life-time partner.
Remember the parable of the simple villager and the king's daughter. Engrain in your heart that your spouse is the ONLY partner in the world that is permitted to you, and all other people are not relevant to your world at all. In this way, you won't even desire these things, in the same way that one doesn't desire a space-ship to travel to the moon and back each day.
If, in spite of the above, pleasant memories of past sexual experiences/fantasies still do come up in your mind - and they probably will; bring up together with them, the memories of the pain, disillusionment and suffering that these experiences caused you. This will help your mind to try and forget your past, and the memories will come up much less frequently.
Question: After all the past fantasies and experiences that we had, how can we retain enjoyment in the "plain" marital relations with our spouses for the long term?
With physical pleasures, the more we have of them, the less enjoyable they become. But this is only true if the physical pleasure is the purpose and goal itself. If, however, the physical pleasure is only a means to achieving a spiritual pleasure, then the characteristics of spiritual pleasures attach themselves to the physical pleasure as well, and as a result, not only does the physical pleasure not get weaker over time, but the opposite is true, it gets stronger over time!"
A couple gets married with the goal of building a home together and helping each other grow and develop. Their marital relations are supposed to be enjoyable, but they are not a goal in and of themselves but rather only a means for them to be able to share with each other and give each other pleasure. So by learning to focus on your "soul-connection" with your spouse and on ways you can give to him/her and bring your spouse pleasure - and not, chalilah, on the question of how you can "use" your spouse to fulfill your desires, then automatically, the stronger your love for each other grows, so too will the pleasure in your marital relations grow.
And to this affect, it is also helpful to always daven and entreat the Creator of the world to guard and protect your spouse, and to help you to make them happy.
It is also very important to know, that there will surely come times where you will feel that in spite of all your efforts, you still find the struggle very difficult and hopelessness and sadness will begin to creep up inside you. At such times, remember that you are not alone. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is with you and is accompanying you on the path you have chosen to go on; the path of LIFE. If you remember and internalize this, you will find that the difficult emotional turmoil will quickly disappear.
By fulfilling all of the advice above, you are guaranteed that love will fill your home always, and in addition, you will retain enjoyment in your marital relations for all the years you are together.