"Let's take the example of the pizza again and assume that the cook would prepare exactly the same pizza every night. But then, he would reveal to you that he is using an ancient, secret recipe that he inherited from his forefathers, that the more one eats of this pizza the smarter and sharper they become, to the point that they will know the entire Torah and never forget a thing. But this is only on the condition that they eat the pizza without missing a single day, for one full year. Now if on one of those days someone would invite you to an expensive restaurant with juicy steaks, which would you prefer Yerachmiel? Would you prefer the delicious restaurant steak - or the pizza with the special powers that you already invested months into, and if you stop eating it for even one day you'll lose everything? I'm pretty sure that any wise person would choose the pizza, and he will also continue to enjoy it for the entire time - even without different toppings, because he knows that through it, he is attaining something very precious to him. The pizza for him is not the goal, but rather only a means to achieving an important and priceless goal; the knowledge of the entire Torah. And especially if he actually sees that the pizza's powers are beginning to work and his memory is getting sharper by the day; his love for the pizza will only grow as time goes on."
"So that's the whole idea: A couple decides to get married with the goal of building a home together and helping each other grow and develop. Their marital relations are supposed to be enjoyable, but they are not a goal in and of themselves, rather only a means to be able to share with each other and give each other pleasure. And when the relations are just a means and not a goal, then automatically, the stronger their love for each other grows, so will the pleasure in their relationships; not only will it not lessen with time, but it will grow with time. And that's why we don't just call it "sex" but rather "relations".
"But all this can only happen if it is very clear to both sides what is the goal and what is the means. However, the moment that marital relations become a goal in themselves, they immediately obtain the central characteristic of all other physical-bodily pleasures and are transformed from being "relations" to just plain "sex". And then, just like all physical pleasures, the enjoyment becomes progressively less strong over time. And as a result, the couple enters into cycles of disappointment, because they always remember the first time they were together and that first experience is always the strongest and most intense; from there on, the experience only fades in strength.
"So what do such disappointed couples do to get back the original thrill? Like with the pizza, they start searching for all types of "toppings". They try new, more exciting sexual experiences, at first together, but they quickly find that this too loses its thrill. And then they start, unfortunately, to search for it with strangers too, rachmana litzlan. Obviously, this causes their relationship to crumble, and the bitter end is almost certainly not long in coming."
Yerachmiel strongly related to this idea; especially when I spoke of the "pizza toppings". It was clear that he understood exactly what I meant. I smiled to him and said: "So now, let's get back to the question you asked: How can you enjoy "regular" relations with your wife for the long term, after you have already gone through and fantasized about so many different and exciting sexual experiences? Did I understand your question correctly?"
"Yes", admitted Yerachmiel abashedly.
"Basically, you have already tasted all the toppings and plain pizza doesn't even excite you any more, while your future wife has never even tasted pizza in her life!"
"But in light of the secret I just revealed to you, this is only an issue if your physical connection to your wife serves as a goal in itself, for your own personal pleasure and nothing more. In such a case, you can be sure that the memories of your many previous sexual experiences and fantasies will fill you with disappointment, because you won't find the same thrill as you had in the past. And if you try and take your wife - chas veshalom - to that same place as well, i.e. to the realm of fantasies and "extra toppings", your marriage is destined to be a complete failure from the start."
"But if you are wise and implement all that we have spoken about until now, you can be sure that true love will permeate your marriage always, and in addition to that, you will also retain the enjoyment in your marital relations with your wife for many years to come."
We were both silent for a while, and then Yerachmiel spoke: "I have one last question, actually - a request. Would the Rosh Yeshiva be willing to honor me with his presence at the wedding and be the Mesader Kidushin at my Chuppah?"
I rose from my place, came over to Yerachmiel and grasped his two hands with warmth: "I would never give up this honor for anything in the world", I said.
"Thank you Rebbe", replied Yerachmiel with tears in his eyes, "for saving my life".