What is so bad about admiring women? Shouldn't I appreciate my wife?
The source of the restriction of not looking at a woman if she is immodestly dressed is the Biblical verse, "Do not stray after your eyes." (Bamidbar 15:39)
The Torah's purpose is not to deny us the joy of a meaningful relationship with a woman. In fact, marriage is considered the ideal state of man. In creating Chava as the ezer k'negdo, the Divinely-appointed helper of Adam, Hashem confirms that "It is not good for man to be alone." This relationship is meant to help every individual live at the highest spiritual level he or she can reach. From this shared goal, children will be brought into the world who will continue as Ovdei Hashem, servants of G-d.
Rather, the purpose of the Torah's laws of Shmirat Einayim is to help us give our full love and attention to our wives. The awareness that your wife is the only woman permitted to you strengthens the unique and special bond of love between you.
Once we understand the benefits of the laws, we realize that they are not restrictions, but safeguards to enhance the quality of our lives. We cherish these Divine laws because they are the cornerstone of a successful marriage and the foundation for a healthy family.
Men, in general, have a strong natural desire for women. In addition to preserving our special relationship with our spouses, the Torah gives us guidelines so that these inclinations do not rule our lives. They save us from distraction, and even from destruction. If "destruction" seems like an exaggerated term in this context, consider the words of the Rambam.
Fully aware of the natural tendency of men to minimize the relevance of these laws, he writes:
There are some transgressions for which a person is not motivated to repent because he considers them trivial and of no real consequence. Among them is the transgression of looking at women. A man who looks at a woman [feels he has done nothing wrong and] inwardly protests, "Did I have relations with her? Did I get close to her?" He doesn't realize that gazing at women who are forbidden to him is a transgression because it leads him to inappropriate conduct... (Hilchot Teshuvah, Chapter 4, Law 4)
The Rambam is warning that promiscuity begins with gazing at women who are forbidden to you. Even though a man may rationalize that he is above such behavior, the Rambam informs him that self-control must start at the beginning. Controlling our eyes from looking at women is the most powerful preventative . Like a loving parent who sets limits on his children for their own safety, the Torah instructs us not to look at women for our own spiritual and physical well-being.
You might be wondering: how can a man live in the world without seeing immodestly dressed women? Isn't it inevitable that every time he steps into any public area his eyes will take in everything?
The fact is that we are required to avoid looking at immodestly dressed women and images, and to develop an aversion to looking. As long as one follows these two stipulations, even if he inadvertently sees, he is not culpable. But after inadvertently seeing, he must turn his eyes away. If he continues looking or takes a second look, he commits the aveirah of "straying after his eyes."
Today: Resolve to practice the laws of Shmirat Einayim for your own protection and to enhance your marriage.
I made it a point to get to Mr. Lawrence's office early for our appointment. He's one of our most important clients - I couldn't let anything go wrong! But as soon as I walked up to the reception desk, I felt challenged. His secretary was not dressed appropriately for a business office. She smiled and said, "Mr. Lawrence is expecting you. Let me show you to his office." I was caught off guard, and I struggled to control my eyes as we walked down the long corridor. My mind was racing. How can I gain control? I had been told to focus my mind on holy thoughts, but they all flew out of my mind at that moment. "Just a second," I said, as I bent down, pretending to fix my shoelace. Staring for a split-second at the floor, I recalled how the Rambam warned that big aveirot start as small, uncontrolled thoughts. That is a sobering thought. I kept that in mind as I continued walking. By the time we reached the end of the hall, I felt that I had mastered a rough moment. I greeted Mr. Lawrence with a big smile and a firm handshake.
These e-mails are excerpts taken from the book "Windows of the Soul" by Rabbi Zvi Miller of the Salant Foundation.